Graduation

Today I graduated from college. That's pretty weird to say.
Do I feel different? Nope.

In fact, right now, I am sitting in the living room with Audrey watching what else but a documentary (about Tornados. We just finished North Korea). This is a typical scene in my apartment.

The only difference is that I now have a diploma sitting on my desk, and the room in my apartment that used to belong to Nicole Poston is now completely empty :(

Hallelujah, YOU carried me every day, YOU carried me all the way. By the Grace of God and nothing else, I made it through nursing school. What's next? That's a great question. I have options, I have a possibility. But still nothing definite. Praying for guidance and confidence in this next step, and as the pieces start to come together, I am growing excited about this next step in life.

Also, I went to 55 Exchange yesterday. I told the guy working that my Clemson Bucket List specifically said that I had to try every flavor, halfway joking. He then grabbed a handful of sample spoons and started to hand them to me. Made my day.

My Clemson Bucket List

My freshman year, I started to make a list of everything I wanted to do at Clemson, or just as a college student in general, and it's been a work in progress over the last four years. Some things I have added just because I did them and they were cool, so I wanted to be able to cross them off. Other things are still in the works.
 (That's what the summer is for)

Sit front row for a football game: Done. Senior year, the day we beat Auburn and destroyed their winning streak. That was a good day

Be on ESPN during a sporting event: Done. a couple times actually. Previously mentioned Auburn game, and Duke basketball game sophomore year.


Camp out for tickets: Done. I always did block seating for football, just because that was the last complicated way to do it. I don't really like basketball, but somehow I got roped into a basketball ticket group sophomore with a bunch of Crosspoint people. One night I camped out with Karen, Josh Dorrity, and Pam. It was freezing.

Walk around the Botanical Gardens: Done, multiple times. Not very exciting, unless you like plants.

Try every flavor at 55 exchange: Not done. I am indecisive. I find a flavor I like, then I never try anything new. Plus, the flavors change. Not my fault.

Spend an afternoon at Y Beach: Done. Many times, but this afternoon, Jesy, Nali and I took Laura because she had never been swimming in Lake Hartwell.

Hammock in the Botanical Gardens: Done, with Elizabeth Hughes, but then we found out it's illegal.

"Visit" the old Newry Mill: Nope. I was going to go Junior year, but my dear friend Jesy Cordle was visiting and she didn't want to. Turns out, my friends who went got busted by the cops. Then I decided I was okay with not going.

Eat at Mac's Diner: Done. Love this place. It became a staple roommate date Senior year after football games, because it was the one of the few places we could go without getting into crazy football traffic. Plus, they had cable

Run through the sprinklers on Bowman field: Done. Once by accident, when I was riding my bicycle freshman year. Not fun. The most memorable time was with Emily Clardy. Fun.

Explore downtown Pendleton: Not yet, but a definite summer goal.

Swim in the reflection pond: Not done. Want to do. Need to do. Especially right now, because they just cleaned it out. But I need somebody to go with me.

Sign the secret book: I know how and where, just haven't done it yet. This is Laura's and my goal for next week.

Go inside every building on campus: Also a no. Forgot about this one. Maybe I'll do it this summer.

Drive on Roller Coaster Road: SO. MUCH. FUN. especially when Palms' slushies are included afterwards :)

Go in the Monsoon Room: Done. Managed to get this one done sophomore year before they put the new lock on.

Go in the Tillman Bell Tower: YES! I took Music 325 and learned how to play the bells fall of sophomore year.

Go to Split Creek Farms: They have the best cheese ever.

Take a road trip "somewhere exciting": I don't know what qualifies as exciting. but I've done a couple road trips, so we'll count them.

Go inside the secret tunnels: No. but I also want to graduate, so we'll save that one.

Hike to the top of Table Rock: Two different times. Once with friends sophomore year and the other time with my family and Nali  senior year

Watch the sunrise from Pretty Place: Been to pretty place, yes. Sunrise, no.

Eat at the ESSO: Yep. Senior year, with my clinical group

Go to an away game: Senior year, Laura and I went to the ACC Championship Game in Charlotte. That qualifies as a road trip AND an away game. two birds, one stone.

Go Trick or Treating at the President's House: Halloween, Senior Year. We were keeping Nali that week, and dressed her up as a lion. We were a tiger and a bear. Lions and tigers and bears (oh my)

Slip and Slide on Bowman in the rain: The first week of freshman year, I met Kathleen and Andrew at BCM. It was raining really hard when we walked back, so we took a detour and played in the mud. That's how we became friends.

Sit on the lap of the Thomas Greene Clemson statue: Eventually.

Tour Fort Hill and Ashtabula: After graduation?

Rub Howard's Rock: roommates, Clemson ring included

Take an exciting leisure skill class: I think Shotgun Shooting and Whitewater Kayaking count?


Jump off the tallest rock at the Rock Quarry: Many, many times. 

Learn all the words to the Alma Mater: Only the words that we sing at football games :(

Go inside Old Stone Church: Not yet. Working on it.

the beginning of the end (or end of the beginning)

Eventually, I will get to the point where I don't feel the need to start every post with "It's been so long since I've posted." Eventually. Not there yet.

Today was my last day in the Progressive Care Unit at Oconee Medical Center. It was definitely a bittersweet shift. On one hand, it is SO great to know that I am that much closer to the end of nursing school. Two weeks from today, you better believe I will be snatching that diploma out of James F. Barker's hands. But on the flip side, that is one step closer to being thrown into the next couple months of complete uncertainty. I still don't have a job, still don't know where I am living after July 31st, and to stretch it to melodramaticism, have no idea what I am doing with my life.

My decision to work at Snowbird last summer was not one that I took lightly. I would consider it to be the most prayer-covered and faith-driven choice I have ever made - more than what college to go to, which major to pick, or any of the really significant stuff. I knew that turning down one guaranteed externship and a pretty good shot at another would probably impact my job market. I still don't know the extent to which it will, but I am sure it may cause some frustration in the near future.

What I thought I wanted a month ago and what I think I want now are two very different things. I didn't expect that. For the majority of my clinical career, I have been completely sold on the ER. I love the trauma, the excitement, the pace, the adrenaline, the variety, and the unpredictability that the Emergency Department brings. But over the last five weeks, I have really grown to love the environment of the PCU more than I ever imagined I would. I don't know if this was meant to make me more open to whatever new place God was going to take me next, or if He is going to work it out for me to be able to stay in this specific place. I am hoping for the latter, but increasingly open to both options.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DorjH_O-20g

This is the song that was playing as I got into my car tonight. I'd never heard it before, but it's called "Rest in the Hope" by Karyn Williams. It was such an awesome reminder that whatever happens, wherever I end up, God IS in control


You are the truth that never changes
You are the love that came to save us
I am Yours.
Even through all my fear and sorrow
Facing a new unknown tomorrow
I am sure that I'm going to rest in the hope
that I'm Yours.

jumble

It has been brought to my attention that I don't blog much anymore. The truth is, I don't spend very much time in class this semester, and that's where most of my blogging motivation comes from.

I started filling out a real life job application today. Whether or not I will submit it is debatable, but it was a scary yet strangely empowering feeling to know that I get to choose where I go from here. While I do have people who's input is important to me in this decision, I am the one who ultimately decides where I will be in six months. I could be on the other side of the country if I wanted to (key words being "if I wanted to"). Truth is, I don't know what's coming in the next year, but I am thrilled to start on this new adventure of trusting God and being along for the ride.

I took my last college final ever today. I expected some sort of epiphany afterwards, but really all I feel is tired and ready for a nap (and spring break). Practicum starts two weeks from today, and I have yet to find out my placement. It's frustrating not being able to plan anything yet - I don't know if I'll be working days, nights, weekends, weekdays, which weekdays. Somebody give me some answers.

look who is going to be a lion for Halloween!
(also, look who is staying with me until Wednesday while her mom is out of town!)

oh hey fall

I did a pretty good job of blogging last semester.

This semester, not so much.

I just took my second test of the semester. Most people don't have class on test days - "most" does not apply to nursing classes. Two hours of lecture, and another test tomorrow that I have yet to even download the study guide for. All I want to do right now is nap.

No motivation. None at all.


Camp ended well. I think I am done with Snowbird. Not in a negative way, but I feel a lot of closure. I was ready to be done by the end of the summer, and excited about returning to Clemson. I love Clemson, and so far, I love this year. Senior year is a lot more chill than Junior year (once again, tack a "so far" on the end of that, and disregard that statement in reference to this week). I only have three classes, all of which are moderately enjoyable.

I just looked at my study guide. Now I really, really want a nap.

cousins

 

The picture on the left was taken about seventeen years ago. Really, the only reference point I have to that date is the fact that Anna is a baby. Today, my cousin Ashley got married. She's the one in the wedding dress, obviously. Last night, it was used in the slideshow and we decided that it was time for an update, after laughing a little bit about the baggy sweaters and outdated hairstyles. I like the way it turned out.

week six

my laptop died. this has not been my summer for technology. in addition to being just plain frustrating, this has been a severe hindrance to my blogging capabilities. I'm going to Clemson on Thursday, so ideally CCIT will be able to revive it.

This week, I worked with girls from Andrews and a couple surrounding areas. Monday was my birthday, and the week started off as quite a challenge. If I have learned anything this week, it's how much this town desperately needs Jesus, and the obligation we have as a ministry to reach out to this community. But despite a rocky start, the week ended really well.

Next week, FBC Lexington, a church I claim to be my "home church" by camp standards, is coming and I am SO EXCITED. This week is one that I have looked forward to the last three summers, seeing a taste of home and being generally encouraged by familiar faces. This will be the fifth time I have been able to work with this group when you combine summers and winter retreats, and each time is always a blast.

Last night, I got a text from one of my campers who informed me that a chaperone from the church had unexpectedly passed away. Both he and his son were supposed to come to camp on Monday. While the church's plans to come to camp haven't changed to my knowledge, I do anticipate this having a huge impact on these students' week at camp and providing an additional challenge for the staff assigned. So, if you guys are keeping up with this at all this summer, please please be in prayer for me and for the other staff I will be working with this week, that we will be able to minister well to these guys and girls and be able to encourage them through the time immediately following the death of one of their leaders.

We have three more weeks here and it's going by so fast.

eastlake!

I honestly have very little to add to what I posted earlier in the week, but if my goal is consistency in blogging then I can't afford to take a day off. I spent the week with Eastlake, which was amazing. I think this summer is shaping up to be one of my favorites so far, at least when it comes to church groups. They are from Irmo so it was great to spend time with a little bit of home, considering four of my girls were from Ben Lippen. And in addition to hometown campers were some awesome friends who came back to visit this week... specific Mindy Johnson and Matt Stephens :)

Snowbird is still amazing and continually grows me, stretches me, frustrates me and challenges me. There are certain things I miss more about home this year than in summers before, but I am still thankful for my time here. I am excited to spend time with Rachel, and clardy, and Jesy, and Laura, and Anna next year, for CP group and my washing machine and shower, for Chickfila and Starbucks. But I am certainly not ready to leave here yet.

Next week I am working with a brand new group from good ol' Chester, SC (well, Heath Springs, but close enough!

Oh Maslow.

I find as the summer goes on, I typically lose much of my motivation to sit down and unpack events of the previous week(s). The last two and a half weeks at snowbird have been great, and the more time I spend here, the more confident that I am exactly where I need to be for the next six weeks. This summer is flying by, which brings a weird mix of sadness and excitement. I have gotten to do a surprising amount of nursing things, really just to the extent of ACE bandaging about every body part possible and answering questions about things I really know little of.

I have attempted to write this post a couple times (on my phone, I might add) and my Blogger app keeps erasing it. Dumb. So here is take three:
One thing that has been on my mind a lot over the last few days is the difference between nursing school and snowbird, and the conflicting views of interaction and the hierarchy of needs. Last semester I took an entire course on therapeutic communication, learning what to and not to say in an instance of counsel. While we did discuss spiritual concepts, the primary focus was on physical and emotional needs - how to talk through various situations, placate chaotic circumstances, and basically just make people feel better. It has been a challenge to reconcile what I have been taught and tested on this year with the camp mentality, where regardless of the original motive for conversation, the end topic is always the student's spiritual condition. This year, I have grown unaccustomed to that intentional steering of conversation. Don't get me wrong: I fully believe that examining each situation through the lens of one's faith and salvation is imperative, and the most important factor in any conversation. I am simply stating that, after taking Psychosocial nursing, it is hard when a camper comes to talk to me about a situation at home, with friends and family, and various other struggles, to not automatically approach it from the nursing perspective I have become so familiar with.

I think it boils down to simply remembering that Maslow's hierarchy of needs is crap from a Christian perspective. It's the same concept as mission trips: what good is meeting physical and emotional needs if you are not sharing Jesus? I think that is a perspective that, in a lot of ways, I lost with nursing. Camp is a good reminder to explore that balance, and to remember that ultimately, the only thing that will ever hold eternal value is where that kid stands with Christ. Giving them encouragement on how to cope with their parents' divorce is secondary to that, although nursing school teaches a completely different philosophy.

Also. Send me mail.

end of the world, long swim saturday

The first week of camp has essentially gone the same way as most weeks at camp - halfway feeling like monday was months ago, the other half wondering how the days roll by so fast.

I think it's true that nobody can truly understand a summer at Snowbird without actually experiencing it, and it's true that the volume of shared experiences here have the ability to bring a seemingly random group of people together in ways that normal, day to day interactions don't have the potential to do. I love it here, and I love the way I have seen the staff come together to form a community that I never anticipated could be attained this quickly among a group of people that, at this time last week, were almost complete strangers.

This summer, I am working skeet shooting again, which is a blast as always. I am also guiding rafting trips on the Nantahala River this summer, which is a little intimidating but SO FUN. Today we did a river guide tradition called the "long swim" - essentially a way to teach us compassion for those who fall in the balmy, 48 degree water and to heighten our confidence in being in refreshing swift water. But I loooooooooove the river already, despite sore muscles and some pretty sweet bruises :) But in general, camp is great, and the process of adaptation to being here has come quickly... and for that, I am thankful. I am blessed with an incredible small group, and I can't wait to spend the summer with them and with both old and new friends that I get to live and serve with this summer.

One thing that has really served as an encouragement to me this week is Isaiah 55:8-9.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

There are certain things about camp that have not quite gone the way I have expected. Certain things about life, actually, are not really in that exact neat, orderly position I would have chosen. I am not sure how this verse popped into my mind, or who pointed it out to me, but I know how much of both an encouragement and reminder it has provided since being here. The plans that I have for myself, for my friends, for my campers are absolutely nothing in comparison to the thoughts and the plans and the ways of my God. The more I grow, the more I have found those two lines merging, but I still am learning that I am not exactly the one who gets to call the shots as much as I still fight for that control. There are a couple situations that I honestly have no idea how they are going to look in a few months and am faithfully curious to see where the trail is at the end of these eleven weeks. It would be easy to panic right now, to constantly try to figure out the mind of God, but I am at the point where i KNOW i need to patient, because God's plans are so much better than what I could imagine. This summer is going to be a wild ride. But in the same way that I have learned to jam my Chacos against the sides of the raft and brace myself so I don't go flying in the rapids, I'm ready and excited to sit tight, hold on, and enjoy the ride.

Megan Bentley says I have to mention her in my blog. I think she's pretty cool. Actually, i think she's the coolest person ever and i definitely want to be like her when i'm older ;)
(for the record, Megan typed that last sentence. I just corrected the grammar)

Day 1

While I don't really anticipate remaining consistent in blogging at all over the summer, I figured I better take advantage of the short-lived opportunity while I dug my laptop out to be responsible and pay my water bill.

I definitely think this has been the hardest beginning of camp I have ever had, even though I really only have two others to compare it to. On Friday, I went to see my friends at Clemson graduate, and then went straight to Toccoa to see my friend Jesy Cordle graduate and spend the weekend with her with her before she left for Utah. I feel like that time was so jam packed that yesterday, the chill first day of staff training, was the first opportunity I got to really process the weight of those goodbyes and knowing how different life will be in August, and it was not exactly an ideal way to start staff training.

I think more than anything, what I am realizing right now is that that this world is really not my home, and what the placement and role of God is in goodbyes. And how times like this make it so obvious that we were made for more than this world, for a final time where we won't be separated from people we love. Whether it's just separation from Clemson for the summer, from Lexington by living at school, or by friends who are called far away from South Carolina. I don't want to be separated from people I love by death or distance. I don't want to do goodbyes. I have so many more thoughts about this right now, but not enough time to adequately explain them, and honestly, not enough brain power either.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."- CS Lewis

I love you guys. For those of you asking for my camp address (and even those who aren't but I might be able to convince to send me mail by posting it) it's
Sarah Strickland
75 Mae Johnson Way
Andrews, NC 28901

and I really, really, really like mail.

creeping closer.

MY BEST FRIEND IS A COVERGIRL.
How sweet is that?
I miss her.

The previous two summers, I have had roughly two weeks between moving home from Clemson and packing up and heading up to camp. This year, however, Clemson shifted our semester a week forward, leaving me with only three full days in Lexington. In actuality, I have a full week, but I am choosing to cut it shorter due to graduations and spending some time in Clemson and Toccoa, but I am realizing how hectic of a week I have set myself up for. I might lose my mind.

Exactly one week from now, I will be sitting in the Coop, either listening to Brody speak or mingling with the people who will quickly become like a family before the summer ends. I am fighting to find excitement for it. That's not really strange for me, just because I am never really a fan of change, and would always be more content to stay in the current chapter instead of jumping forward. I am not doubting my call to be at Snowbird this summer; I am confident in where I am supposed to be. I'm not having second thoughts. I know there are plenty of people well-deserving of the spot on staff that I have, and I wouldn't selfishly keep a spot if I didn't want it.

I know that if you ask me a month from now, I will be loving every second of it, and will fill nearly every conversation with camp stories. But right now, I am still associating the beginning of camp with the uncomfortable number of goodbyes I will have to say in the preceding days, and right now, I would be content with that time never coming.

I am fighting to want the week between now and camp to speed up.

the repercussions of finals week on the human mind

Finals week. Never a happy time during one's college career. We will never be friends. I always hate it when people ask me if I am surviving finals week. Of course I am surviving. I am standing here talking to you - now could a corpse do that? I don't think so. Question answered.

1. I have been introduced to many new methods of procrastination. While I have still been maintaining adequate study time, maybe even to the point of excessive, I have also discovered many ways to stay sane while staring at a laptop screen for a majority of the day. If anyone is looking for procrastination methods, here are some of my personal favorites. Don't hate me when you don't get anything else done tonight.
Dear Blank, Please Blank, Tetris Friends, Awkward Family Photos, People of Walmart, StumbleUpon, Not Always Right, Gives Me Hope, Six Billion Secrets

2. My iTunes library. I'm pretty sure every song currently on my computer can fit into one of four categories.
1) sappy love songs
2) sad goodbyes
3) "hey life sucks, but suck it up, you can do it!"
4) dying babies

This is the downfall of nuking your harddrive.

3. I got a camelbak last weekend. Thanks mom. I've filled it up about four times today, maintianing adequate hydration during this finals week. All while reading about water intoxication and diabetes insipidus. Sorry, kidneys. Sorry, electrolytes. You're welcome, baroreceptors

4. I hope "where were you when you found out Bin Laden was dead" doesn't become one of those life-defining questions that my grandkids are going to ask me one day a la "Where were you on September 11th?" Because, let's be honest, I would probably lie, and not say that I was studying MedSurg in the Holmes Basement until my brain started leaking, and paying minimal attention to the news.

5. I saw a CAT bus pulled by not one, not two, but THREE cop cars, a sketchy looking man dragged off, handcuffed, and put in a cop car. Of course, this observation might have come about from more than one drive-by.

6. "I just turned in my application for death and dying" - Laura McLachlan

confessions of a junior II

9:25am: I have been in the library for an hour, and my productivity has been limited to facebook stalking, eating a bagel that I stole from Schiletter yesterday, making faces at Merritt Gantt, spraying myself in the face with Cherry Lemon SunDrop after learning that soda put into a camelbak is an unfortunate combination, flipping through pictures of ridiculous-looking hats from the royal wedding, finding new music to add to my currently bare and pitiful excuse of an iTunes library, and watching an episode of Rocket Power online. and, of course, blogging.

If I am going to drag myself out of bed this early, I need to make it worth it.
I brought two bagels and a lunchable with me today.
I'll be here for awhile.
Stay tuned.

11:29am: Progress. I have opened the Word Document that contains my geri final. I'll take what I can get. In other news, This new website I found is essentially the best thing that has ever happened to me... at least the best thing that's ever happened to my productivity today. If you use Google Chrome, you want to check it out. I have facebook blocked on my computer for the next six hours. Maybe I should block blogger... and my email... and websites that have pictures of hideous hats...

1:04pm: I like the abundance of free food given out in the library during finals. I'm pretty sure I could just not leave the library for the entire week and my stomach still be adequately filled.

6:54pm: In case anyone was wondering, I found my motivation. Somewhere deep in the bowels of Robert Muldrow Cooper. I hate that phrase, but given the circumstances (and the floorplan of the library) I feel it's fitting.
Geri final done.
Romans #7 almost done.
MedSurg modules done.
Study guide time...

9:01pm: Finding random Dr. Harmon quotes in the margins of my notes is making this study experience significantly better. I'm making a compilation, which is motivation to keep flipping through my notes to find all of them.
"I am jealous of people who have noncumulative finals. Just think how much easier our lives would be right now" - Laura McLachlan

9:17pm Really, Pandora? You're not helping

a post entirely dedicated to Rachel Eckard

I forgot one important part of my last post, and I think it deserves not only an edit but an entirely new post. I am thankful that Rachel Eckard will be back in the country in a mere three months. And not only that, in the fall she will be back at Erskine, living a mere hour from me, and fifteen minutes from the hospital where I have Friday clinicals, which has some great potential.

Rachel Eckard has been my best friend for almost 21 years. I am ten days older than her, and I will never let her forget that, even though she will never let ME forget that I will hit 40 ten days before her. We celebrate our birthdays on July 9th, because it's halfway between the two. One time for Christmas, she gave me playdough, another time she gave me a plastic model of Larry the Cucumber with interchangeable hats. In both instances, we were in high school. We went to college an hour away from each other, figured out where halfway was, and took advantage of the potential for regular lunch dates. I even ate dinner at her house on steak night once, and that's a big deal.

I am very much looking forward to her coming home so that halfway dates will be reinstated, I can call her and talk to her right then instead of waiting for an email reply or setting up a skype date with the hassle of a major time difference, and I will not have to miss her so much anymore.

life is like a chapter book...

(... and it would be so much more fun if it was a picture book instead!)

Today marks the beginning of the last week of classes. (I am sincerely wondering if my blogging habit will be maintained once I am done with Psychosocial and Health Promotion?) I had a MedSurg test this morning, KAPLAN this afternoon, a make-up clinical tomorrow along with a pile of paperwork to complete before then, a research critique, final skills check for SIMlab, a research final and a gerontology final, all due this week.
Ready, Set, Go.

Staff training starts approximately three weeks from NOW. While I really am excited, a lot has to happen between now and then - a lot that I am not particularly excited about. I have a to-do list that could probably match Santa Claus's. I have to do a clean sweep of my room and pack... and unpack... and repack... and re-unpack... and shuffle boxes between Clemson and Lexington and Andrews. I have to survive four daunting FINALS. Then we hit what I'm undoubtedly dreading the most - graduations and goodbyes. And while I am incredibly excited for my friends who have faithfully completed their degree or other calling here and are weeks away from spreading out all over the world, I have a certain image and premonition of how empty Clemson will feel for my senior year.

Anyone who knows me well knows that transition and I are not exactly friends. I am adaptable, I am confident in that. But the process of adaptation, the times of transition and getting used to a new environment, I don't like it. Especially now, because it feels like it's such a misplaced transition time. I'm not graduating. I'm not leaving. This is not the end of my story here. It's not a natural phase-out like graduating, or even like leaving a summer at Snowbird. But the fact that it's time for so many of the people I love to close out this chapter of life is turning it into a period of transition for me at a time where it is not a natural ending. I think it would be different if I was graduating too, if I had new and exciting things to move on to instead of another year of nursing school without a huge chunk of the community I've been blessed with at Clemson.

However, I do know it's a lot easier to focus on the negative instead of being grateful that people like Emily Clardy and Elizabeth Hughes and even Anna will be around. And that this time next year, I will be hopefully be writing about faithfully finishing out MY four years, post-graduation plans, and other things of the "new and exciting" variety. But for now, I have to wait it out, and trust how God is going to provide next year in the area of friendships and community. Next year is going to be substantially different than what I have known my first three years of college, and I think fear of the unknown is playing huge into my general attitude toward my Junior year ending.

Sometimes I think the time leading up to transition, the anticipation of change, and the subconscious fear that God is not going to provide just well in the "new" as in the familiar is almost more difficult than when it comes time to actually close the chapter.

A blog about Jesy Cordle

This blog post is about my dear friend, Jesy Cordle . Right now, I am sitting less than two feet away from her, and she will not talk to me, so it's a super awkward silence. And secretly, I'm wondering, with her persistent blog stalking, how long it will take for her to read this post and make a comment about it. Because then, she will actually have to verbally communicate with me! yay!


Jesy and Megan. I love you two. please communicate with each other, if not for your sake, than for mine.

when i am an idiot

I have to be incredibly careful in writing this, I am very conscious of that. My goal here is not anything other than to share what I am learning and hope that maybe, just maybe, it can be used to encourage and/or teach someone else. It is not to make myself look good (which I'm pretty sure is going to be impossible if you keep reading) or with the hopes that any specific person will read this. Here goes.

Every year for camp, we read a book and write chapter summaries on it. My first summer, I didn't get the book in the mail until three days before it was due, the week before finals - so I will more than readily admit I didn't get as much out of the book as I could and should have. Last summer, I was more responsible in reading it with good intentions, but the book that was chosen really served more as a motivator to increase our faith both in ourselves and in the students we would work with than anything else. This summer, we are going through the book of Romans together, which has been SO good. It's nice to have the accountability of having to turn a section in every week, despite being pretty hectic to get everything completed sometimes. Regardless, I am really enjoying it.

But if our unrighteousness serves to show the righteousness of God, what shall we say? That God is unrighteous to inflict wrath on us? (I speak in a human way) By no means! For then how could God judge the world? But if through my lie God’s truth abounds to his glory, why am I still being condemned as a sinner? And why not do evil that good may come?—as some people slanderously charge us with saying. Their condemnation is just. (Romans 3:5-8)

This is what I went over today, and this is what I NEEDED to chew on today. It's a little bit of a counterargument to earlier context, but Paul is basically answering the question of "Well, if my unrighteousness will demonstrate God's righteousness, then how can God judge me?... since my sin is still bringing Him glory, and still a part of His plan?"

This is kind of the same train of thought that I could see Judas using when he was defending himself, when being confronted about betraying Jesus. "Look, I know that I messed up, I know that I sinned, but You used it for good.. I mean, if I hadn't have done this, then Jesus wouldn't have died on the cross, I helped carry out the plan." But, this isn't a correct way to reason it. God did use Judas' betrayal for his ultimate good, but it was still wrong, regardless of how it incorporated into God's plan. He doesn't deserve any credit for the fact that God still used his wickedness for good.

I am looking at this in the way that it applies to my life right now, because this is where I'm at right now, it's where my mind is taking this, and a way that I can make this uncomfortably applicable to the here and now. Maybe I am twisting what Paul meant by this.

Recently, I got caught being deceptive and dishonest in a friendship.As much of a mess as it was and continues to be, and as bad as I feel about it, I am confident that my mistakes ultimately are in the process of being turned to good. I was dumb, and I hurt my friend with no excuses. But on the flip side, my snooping led to sin being revealed in the life of someone I care a whole lot about, and the beginnings of that being addressed and worked through instead of remaining hidden.

As much as I don't want to to be like this, and know it shouldn't be like this, my attitude the last few days has been faulting towards one of wrongly feeling like I was "helping" the work that God is doing in her life, and that somehow justified what I did. I know in theory how wrong that is, but that doesn't mean my thinking wasn't going in that direction regardless. I do believe that God used my screw-ups for sanctification in the life of someone else, and I think He does that on a regular basis, not just exclusively in this situation. But the fact that I can visibly see how God is using this for good doesn't excuse it, not one bit. The end does not justify the means in this situation. It doesn't make it okay. I first read my commentary on this, thinking Judas was an idiot for that argument. But then it hit me that I am hiding under the same defense. Yes, God used my deceit for good, and I am glad to serve a God who is in the business of turning rags into riches. But it is STILL sin, and I have no right to take any credit here for God working through me even when I make a mess of things and hurt people in the process.

I typically end my blog posts with one, thought-provoking final bang, but I'm out of ideas.

selfless

At the beginning of March, I put a visitor counter on my blog. I've had over 700 hits in a little over a month. I never realized I was so popular :) But, in all sincerity, I do appreciate that people are actually reading what I have to say, unless you can attribute all of those page loads to a certain few stalkers :) good thing I don't know who you are.

If anyone cares to know what's been on my mind lately - along with the looming inevitability of end of school chaos - it's the question of what it truly looks like to be a selfless person, why I am all of a sudden deciding it's a concept I need to work on, and is it even practical to think that there is a possibility of growth for not just me, but for anyone in this area. Be warned, this is going to be all over the place.

I think it is not healthy to attempt to be a completely selfless person all the time. For example, my clinical group often fights over procedures and who is going to get to perform a certain skill when the opportunity arises. Would a selfless thing be to take myself out of the fight and allow my classmates to take every opportunity? Once or twice, sure. But to do that constantly, claiming nothing for myself, would be detrimental to my own training at the hospital. Follow? It's great to think of others before myself, but not to the extent of self compromise.

That's a situation that's pretty practical to understand. So, what about when it's not so cut and dry? My mind is really trying to comprehend how to apply this to a couple abstract situations, which is really my motive in writing that. The clinical example was really just a concrete transposition of the abstract. I am fighting to learn how to be understanding and compassionate in situations where I feel like my point of view is not being heard and where situation's impact on me is being disregarded. That's where I'm at right now, and it's hard. But I'm trying. And I am also trying to reconcile this with not becoming a doormat. There's a line, but where is it? Where does selfless stop and self-compromising start?

Obviously, selflessness is a desirable trait in theory, but are the actions that it takes to become this way always going to be perceived correctly? Nobody can truly know another's motives. Selflessness requires looking out for the interest of others before yourself, as long as it's not personally self-destructive - whether in action or attitude.

I think every person needs a healthy balance of selfish and selfless in their lives and there are times when these two may even overlap more than we realize.