Graduation

Today I graduated from college. That's pretty weird to say.
Do I feel different? Nope.

In fact, right now, I am sitting in the living room with Audrey watching what else but a documentary (about Tornados. We just finished North Korea). This is a typical scene in my apartment.

The only difference is that I now have a diploma sitting on my desk, and the room in my apartment that used to belong to Nicole Poston is now completely empty :(

Hallelujah, YOU carried me every day, YOU carried me all the way. By the Grace of God and nothing else, I made it through nursing school. What's next? That's a great question. I have options, I have a possibility. But still nothing definite. Praying for guidance and confidence in this next step, and as the pieces start to come together, I am growing excited about this next step in life.

Also, I went to 55 Exchange yesterday. I told the guy working that my Clemson Bucket List specifically said that I had to try every flavor, halfway joking. He then grabbed a handful of sample spoons and started to hand them to me. Made my day.

My Clemson Bucket List

My freshman year, I started to make a list of everything I wanted to do at Clemson, or just as a college student in general, and it's been a work in progress over the last four years. Some things I have added just because I did them and they were cool, so I wanted to be able to cross them off. Other things are still in the works.
 (That's what the summer is for)

Sit front row for a football game: Done. Senior year, the day we beat Auburn and destroyed their winning streak. That was a good day

Be on ESPN during a sporting event: Done. a couple times actually. Previously mentioned Auburn game, and Duke basketball game sophomore year.


Camp out for tickets: Done. I always did block seating for football, just because that was the last complicated way to do it. I don't really like basketball, but somehow I got roped into a basketball ticket group sophomore with a bunch of Crosspoint people. One night I camped out with Karen, Josh Dorrity, and Pam. It was freezing.

Walk around the Botanical Gardens: Done, multiple times. Not very exciting, unless you like plants.

Try every flavor at 55 exchange: Not done. I am indecisive. I find a flavor I like, then I never try anything new. Plus, the flavors change. Not my fault.

Spend an afternoon at Y Beach: Done. Many times, but this afternoon, Jesy, Nali and I took Laura because she had never been swimming in Lake Hartwell.

Hammock in the Botanical Gardens: Done, with Elizabeth Hughes, but then we found out it's illegal.

"Visit" the old Newry Mill: Nope. I was going to go Junior year, but my dear friend Jesy Cordle was visiting and she didn't want to. Turns out, my friends who went got busted by the cops. Then I decided I was okay with not going.

Eat at Mac's Diner: Done. Love this place. It became a staple roommate date Senior year after football games, because it was the one of the few places we could go without getting into crazy football traffic. Plus, they had cable

Run through the sprinklers on Bowman field: Done. Once by accident, when I was riding my bicycle freshman year. Not fun. The most memorable time was with Emily Clardy. Fun.

Explore downtown Pendleton: Not yet, but a definite summer goal.

Swim in the reflection pond: Not done. Want to do. Need to do. Especially right now, because they just cleaned it out. But I need somebody to go with me.

Sign the secret book: I know how and where, just haven't done it yet. This is Laura's and my goal for next week.

Go inside every building on campus: Also a no. Forgot about this one. Maybe I'll do it this summer.

Drive on Roller Coaster Road: SO. MUCH. FUN. especially when Palms' slushies are included afterwards :)

Go in the Monsoon Room: Done. Managed to get this one done sophomore year before they put the new lock on.

Go in the Tillman Bell Tower: YES! I took Music 325 and learned how to play the bells fall of sophomore year.

Go to Split Creek Farms: They have the best cheese ever.

Take a road trip "somewhere exciting": I don't know what qualifies as exciting. but I've done a couple road trips, so we'll count them.

Go inside the secret tunnels: No. but I also want to graduate, so we'll save that one.

Hike to the top of Table Rock: Two different times. Once with friends sophomore year and the other time with my family and Nali  senior year

Watch the sunrise from Pretty Place: Been to pretty place, yes. Sunrise, no.

Eat at the ESSO: Yep. Senior year, with my clinical group

Go to an away game: Senior year, Laura and I went to the ACC Championship Game in Charlotte. That qualifies as a road trip AND an away game. two birds, one stone.

Go Trick or Treating at the President's House: Halloween, Senior Year. We were keeping Nali that week, and dressed her up as a lion. We were a tiger and a bear. Lions and tigers and bears (oh my)

Slip and Slide on Bowman in the rain: The first week of freshman year, I met Kathleen and Andrew at BCM. It was raining really hard when we walked back, so we took a detour and played in the mud. That's how we became friends.

Sit on the lap of the Thomas Greene Clemson statue: Eventually.

Tour Fort Hill and Ashtabula: After graduation?

Rub Howard's Rock: roommates, Clemson ring included

Take an exciting leisure skill class: I think Shotgun Shooting and Whitewater Kayaking count?


Jump off the tallest rock at the Rock Quarry: Many, many times. 

Learn all the words to the Alma Mater: Only the words that we sing at football games :(

Go inside Old Stone Church: Not yet. Working on it.

the beginning of the end (or end of the beginning)

Eventually, I will get to the point where I don't feel the need to start every post with "It's been so long since I've posted." Eventually. Not there yet.

Today was my last day in the Progressive Care Unit at Oconee Medical Center. It was definitely a bittersweet shift. On one hand, it is SO great to know that I am that much closer to the end of nursing school. Two weeks from today, you better believe I will be snatching that diploma out of James F. Barker's hands. But on the flip side, that is one step closer to being thrown into the next couple months of complete uncertainty. I still don't have a job, still don't know where I am living after July 31st, and to stretch it to melodramaticism, have no idea what I am doing with my life.

My decision to work at Snowbird last summer was not one that I took lightly. I would consider it to be the most prayer-covered and faith-driven choice I have ever made - more than what college to go to, which major to pick, or any of the really significant stuff. I knew that turning down one guaranteed externship and a pretty good shot at another would probably impact my job market. I still don't know the extent to which it will, but I am sure it may cause some frustration in the near future.

What I thought I wanted a month ago and what I think I want now are two very different things. I didn't expect that. For the majority of my clinical career, I have been completely sold on the ER. I love the trauma, the excitement, the pace, the adrenaline, the variety, and the unpredictability that the Emergency Department brings. But over the last five weeks, I have really grown to love the environment of the PCU more than I ever imagined I would. I don't know if this was meant to make me more open to whatever new place God was going to take me next, or if He is going to work it out for me to be able to stay in this specific place. I am hoping for the latter, but increasingly open to both options.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DorjH_O-20g

This is the song that was playing as I got into my car tonight. I'd never heard it before, but it's called "Rest in the Hope" by Karyn Williams. It was such an awesome reminder that whatever happens, wherever I end up, God IS in control


You are the truth that never changes
You are the love that came to save us
I am Yours.
Even through all my fear and sorrow
Facing a new unknown tomorrow
I am sure that I'm going to rest in the hope
that I'm Yours.

jumble

It has been brought to my attention that I don't blog much anymore. The truth is, I don't spend very much time in class this semester, and that's where most of my blogging motivation comes from.

I started filling out a real life job application today. Whether or not I will submit it is debatable, but it was a scary yet strangely empowering feeling to know that I get to choose where I go from here. While I do have people who's input is important to me in this decision, I am the one who ultimately decides where I will be in six months. I could be on the other side of the country if I wanted to (key words being "if I wanted to"). Truth is, I don't know what's coming in the next year, but I am thrilled to start on this new adventure of trusting God and being along for the ride.

I took my last college final ever today. I expected some sort of epiphany afterwards, but really all I feel is tired and ready for a nap (and spring break). Practicum starts two weeks from today, and I have yet to find out my placement. It's frustrating not being able to plan anything yet - I don't know if I'll be working days, nights, weekends, weekdays, which weekdays. Somebody give me some answers.

look who is going to be a lion for Halloween!
(also, look who is staying with me until Wednesday while her mom is out of town!)

oh hey fall

I did a pretty good job of blogging last semester.

This semester, not so much.

I just took my second test of the semester. Most people don't have class on test days - "most" does not apply to nursing classes. Two hours of lecture, and another test tomorrow that I have yet to even download the study guide for. All I want to do right now is nap.

No motivation. None at all.


Camp ended well. I think I am done with Snowbird. Not in a negative way, but I feel a lot of closure. I was ready to be done by the end of the summer, and excited about returning to Clemson. I love Clemson, and so far, I love this year. Senior year is a lot more chill than Junior year (once again, tack a "so far" on the end of that, and disregard that statement in reference to this week). I only have three classes, all of which are moderately enjoyable.

I just looked at my study guide. Now I really, really want a nap.

cousins

 

The picture on the left was taken about seventeen years ago. Really, the only reference point I have to that date is the fact that Anna is a baby. Today, my cousin Ashley got married. She's the one in the wedding dress, obviously. Last night, it was used in the slideshow and we decided that it was time for an update, after laughing a little bit about the baggy sweaters and outdated hairstyles. I like the way it turned out.

week six

my laptop died. this has not been my summer for technology. in addition to being just plain frustrating, this has been a severe hindrance to my blogging capabilities. I'm going to Clemson on Thursday, so ideally CCIT will be able to revive it.

This week, I worked with girls from Andrews and a couple surrounding areas. Monday was my birthday, and the week started off as quite a challenge. If I have learned anything this week, it's how much this town desperately needs Jesus, and the obligation we have as a ministry to reach out to this community. But despite a rocky start, the week ended really well.

Next week, FBC Lexington, a church I claim to be my "home church" by camp standards, is coming and I am SO EXCITED. This week is one that I have looked forward to the last three summers, seeing a taste of home and being generally encouraged by familiar faces. This will be the fifth time I have been able to work with this group when you combine summers and winter retreats, and each time is always a blast.

Last night, I got a text from one of my campers who informed me that a chaperone from the church had unexpectedly passed away. Both he and his son were supposed to come to camp on Monday. While the church's plans to come to camp haven't changed to my knowledge, I do anticipate this having a huge impact on these students' week at camp and providing an additional challenge for the staff assigned. So, if you guys are keeping up with this at all this summer, please please be in prayer for me and for the other staff I will be working with this week, that we will be able to minister well to these guys and girls and be able to encourage them through the time immediately following the death of one of their leaders.

We have three more weeks here and it's going by so fast.

eastlake!

I honestly have very little to add to what I posted earlier in the week, but if my goal is consistency in blogging then I can't afford to take a day off. I spent the week with Eastlake, which was amazing. I think this summer is shaping up to be one of my favorites so far, at least when it comes to church groups. They are from Irmo so it was great to spend time with a little bit of home, considering four of my girls were from Ben Lippen. And in addition to hometown campers were some awesome friends who came back to visit this week... specific Mindy Johnson and Matt Stephens :)

Snowbird is still amazing and continually grows me, stretches me, frustrates me and challenges me. There are certain things I miss more about home this year than in summers before, but I am still thankful for my time here. I am excited to spend time with Rachel, and clardy, and Jesy, and Laura, and Anna next year, for CP group and my washing machine and shower, for Chickfila and Starbucks. But I am certainly not ready to leave here yet.

Next week I am working with a brand new group from good ol' Chester, SC (well, Heath Springs, but close enough!

Oh Maslow.

I find as the summer goes on, I typically lose much of my motivation to sit down and unpack events of the previous week(s). The last two and a half weeks at snowbird have been great, and the more time I spend here, the more confident that I am exactly where I need to be for the next six weeks. This summer is flying by, which brings a weird mix of sadness and excitement. I have gotten to do a surprising amount of nursing things, really just to the extent of ACE bandaging about every body part possible and answering questions about things I really know little of.

I have attempted to write this post a couple times (on my phone, I might add) and my Blogger app keeps erasing it. Dumb. So here is take three:
One thing that has been on my mind a lot over the last few days is the difference between nursing school and snowbird, and the conflicting views of interaction and the hierarchy of needs. Last semester I took an entire course on therapeutic communication, learning what to and not to say in an instance of counsel. While we did discuss spiritual concepts, the primary focus was on physical and emotional needs - how to talk through various situations, placate chaotic circumstances, and basically just make people feel better. It has been a challenge to reconcile what I have been taught and tested on this year with the camp mentality, where regardless of the original motive for conversation, the end topic is always the student's spiritual condition. This year, I have grown unaccustomed to that intentional steering of conversation. Don't get me wrong: I fully believe that examining each situation through the lens of one's faith and salvation is imperative, and the most important factor in any conversation. I am simply stating that, after taking Psychosocial nursing, it is hard when a camper comes to talk to me about a situation at home, with friends and family, and various other struggles, to not automatically approach it from the nursing perspective I have become so familiar with.

I think it boils down to simply remembering that Maslow's hierarchy of needs is crap from a Christian perspective. It's the same concept as mission trips: what good is meeting physical and emotional needs if you are not sharing Jesus? I think that is a perspective that, in a lot of ways, I lost with nursing. Camp is a good reminder to explore that balance, and to remember that ultimately, the only thing that will ever hold eternal value is where that kid stands with Christ. Giving them encouragement on how to cope with their parents' divorce is secondary to that, although nursing school teaches a completely different philosophy.

Also. Send me mail.

end of the world, long swim saturday

The first week of camp has essentially gone the same way as most weeks at camp - halfway feeling like monday was months ago, the other half wondering how the days roll by so fast.

I think it's true that nobody can truly understand a summer at Snowbird without actually experiencing it, and it's true that the volume of shared experiences here have the ability to bring a seemingly random group of people together in ways that normal, day to day interactions don't have the potential to do. I love it here, and I love the way I have seen the staff come together to form a community that I never anticipated could be attained this quickly among a group of people that, at this time last week, were almost complete strangers.

This summer, I am working skeet shooting again, which is a blast as always. I am also guiding rafting trips on the Nantahala River this summer, which is a little intimidating but SO FUN. Today we did a river guide tradition called the "long swim" - essentially a way to teach us compassion for those who fall in the balmy, 48 degree water and to heighten our confidence in being in refreshing swift water. But I loooooooooove the river already, despite sore muscles and some pretty sweet bruises :) But in general, camp is great, and the process of adaptation to being here has come quickly... and for that, I am thankful. I am blessed with an incredible small group, and I can't wait to spend the summer with them and with both old and new friends that I get to live and serve with this summer.

One thing that has really served as an encouragement to me this week is Isaiah 55:8-9.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

There are certain things about camp that have not quite gone the way I have expected. Certain things about life, actually, are not really in that exact neat, orderly position I would have chosen. I am not sure how this verse popped into my mind, or who pointed it out to me, but I know how much of both an encouragement and reminder it has provided since being here. The plans that I have for myself, for my friends, for my campers are absolutely nothing in comparison to the thoughts and the plans and the ways of my God. The more I grow, the more I have found those two lines merging, but I still am learning that I am not exactly the one who gets to call the shots as much as I still fight for that control. There are a couple situations that I honestly have no idea how they are going to look in a few months and am faithfully curious to see where the trail is at the end of these eleven weeks. It would be easy to panic right now, to constantly try to figure out the mind of God, but I am at the point where i KNOW i need to patient, because God's plans are so much better than what I could imagine. This summer is going to be a wild ride. But in the same way that I have learned to jam my Chacos against the sides of the raft and brace myself so I don't go flying in the rapids, I'm ready and excited to sit tight, hold on, and enjoy the ride.

Megan Bentley says I have to mention her in my blog. I think she's pretty cool. Actually, i think she's the coolest person ever and i definitely want to be like her when i'm older ;)
(for the record, Megan typed that last sentence. I just corrected the grammar)

Day 1

While I don't really anticipate remaining consistent in blogging at all over the summer, I figured I better take advantage of the short-lived opportunity while I dug my laptop out to be responsible and pay my water bill.

I definitely think this has been the hardest beginning of camp I have ever had, even though I really only have two others to compare it to. On Friday, I went to see my friends at Clemson graduate, and then went straight to Toccoa to see my friend Jesy Cordle graduate and spend the weekend with her with her before she left for Utah. I feel like that time was so jam packed that yesterday, the chill first day of staff training, was the first opportunity I got to really process the weight of those goodbyes and knowing how different life will be in August, and it was not exactly an ideal way to start staff training.

I think more than anything, what I am realizing right now is that that this world is really not my home, and what the placement and role of God is in goodbyes. And how times like this make it so obvious that we were made for more than this world, for a final time where we won't be separated from people we love. Whether it's just separation from Clemson for the summer, from Lexington by living at school, or by friends who are called far away from South Carolina. I don't want to be separated from people I love by death or distance. I don't want to do goodbyes. I have so many more thoughts about this right now, but not enough time to adequately explain them, and honestly, not enough brain power either.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."- CS Lewis

I love you guys. For those of you asking for my camp address (and even those who aren't but I might be able to convince to send me mail by posting it) it's
Sarah Strickland
75 Mae Johnson Way
Andrews, NC 28901

and I really, really, really like mail.

creeping closer.

MY BEST FRIEND IS A COVERGIRL.
How sweet is that?
I miss her.

The previous two summers, I have had roughly two weeks between moving home from Clemson and packing up and heading up to camp. This year, however, Clemson shifted our semester a week forward, leaving me with only three full days in Lexington. In actuality, I have a full week, but I am choosing to cut it shorter due to graduations and spending some time in Clemson and Toccoa, but I am realizing how hectic of a week I have set myself up for. I might lose my mind.

Exactly one week from now, I will be sitting in the Coop, either listening to Brody speak or mingling with the people who will quickly become like a family before the summer ends. I am fighting to find excitement for it. That's not really strange for me, just because I am never really a fan of change, and would always be more content to stay in the current chapter instead of jumping forward. I am not doubting my call to be at Snowbird this summer; I am confident in where I am supposed to be. I'm not having second thoughts. I know there are plenty of people well-deserving of the spot on staff that I have, and I wouldn't selfishly keep a spot if I didn't want it.

I know that if you ask me a month from now, I will be loving every second of it, and will fill nearly every conversation with camp stories. But right now, I am still associating the beginning of camp with the uncomfortable number of goodbyes I will have to say in the preceding days, and right now, I would be content with that time never coming.

I am fighting to want the week between now and camp to speed up.

the repercussions of finals week on the human mind

Finals week. Never a happy time during one's college career. We will never be friends. I always hate it when people ask me if I am surviving finals week. Of course I am surviving. I am standing here talking to you - now could a corpse do that? I don't think so. Question answered.

1. I have been introduced to many new methods of procrastination. While I have still been maintaining adequate study time, maybe even to the point of excessive, I have also discovered many ways to stay sane while staring at a laptop screen for a majority of the day. If anyone is looking for procrastination methods, here are some of my personal favorites. Don't hate me when you don't get anything else done tonight.
Dear Blank, Please Blank, Tetris Friends, Awkward Family Photos, People of Walmart, StumbleUpon, Not Always Right, Gives Me Hope, Six Billion Secrets

2. My iTunes library. I'm pretty sure every song currently on my computer can fit into one of four categories.
1) sappy love songs
2) sad goodbyes
3) "hey life sucks, but suck it up, you can do it!"
4) dying babies

This is the downfall of nuking your harddrive.

3. I got a camelbak last weekend. Thanks mom. I've filled it up about four times today, maintianing adequate hydration during this finals week. All while reading about water intoxication and diabetes insipidus. Sorry, kidneys. Sorry, electrolytes. You're welcome, baroreceptors

4. I hope "where were you when you found out Bin Laden was dead" doesn't become one of those life-defining questions that my grandkids are going to ask me one day a la "Where were you on September 11th?" Because, let's be honest, I would probably lie, and not say that I was studying MedSurg in the Holmes Basement until my brain started leaking, and paying minimal attention to the news.

5. I saw a CAT bus pulled by not one, not two, but THREE cop cars, a sketchy looking man dragged off, handcuffed, and put in a cop car. Of course, this observation might have come about from more than one drive-by.

6. "I just turned in my application for death and dying" - Laura McLachlan

confessions of a junior II

9:25am: I have been in the library for an hour, and my productivity has been limited to facebook stalking, eating a bagel that I stole from Schiletter yesterday, making faces at Merritt Gantt, spraying myself in the face with Cherry Lemon SunDrop after learning that soda put into a camelbak is an unfortunate combination, flipping through pictures of ridiculous-looking hats from the royal wedding, finding new music to add to my currently bare and pitiful excuse of an iTunes library, and watching an episode of Rocket Power online. and, of course, blogging.

If I am going to drag myself out of bed this early, I need to make it worth it.
I brought two bagels and a lunchable with me today.
I'll be here for awhile.
Stay tuned.

11:29am: Progress. I have opened the Word Document that contains my geri final. I'll take what I can get. In other news, This new website I found is essentially the best thing that has ever happened to me... at least the best thing that's ever happened to my productivity today. If you use Google Chrome, you want to check it out. I have facebook blocked on my computer for the next six hours. Maybe I should block blogger... and my email... and websites that have pictures of hideous hats...

1:04pm: I like the abundance of free food given out in the library during finals. I'm pretty sure I could just not leave the library for the entire week and my stomach still be adequately filled.

6:54pm: In case anyone was wondering, I found my motivation. Somewhere deep in the bowels of Robert Muldrow Cooper. I hate that phrase, but given the circumstances (and the floorplan of the library) I feel it's fitting.
Geri final done.
Romans #7 almost done.
MedSurg modules done.
Study guide time...

9:01pm: Finding random Dr. Harmon quotes in the margins of my notes is making this study experience significantly better. I'm making a compilation, which is motivation to keep flipping through my notes to find all of them.
"I am jealous of people who have noncumulative finals. Just think how much easier our lives would be right now" - Laura McLachlan

9:17pm Really, Pandora? You're not helping

a post entirely dedicated to Rachel Eckard

I forgot one important part of my last post, and I think it deserves not only an edit but an entirely new post. I am thankful that Rachel Eckard will be back in the country in a mere three months. And not only that, in the fall she will be back at Erskine, living a mere hour from me, and fifteen minutes from the hospital where I have Friday clinicals, which has some great potential.

Rachel Eckard has been my best friend for almost 21 years. I am ten days older than her, and I will never let her forget that, even though she will never let ME forget that I will hit 40 ten days before her. We celebrate our birthdays on July 9th, because it's halfway between the two. One time for Christmas, she gave me playdough, another time she gave me a plastic model of Larry the Cucumber with interchangeable hats. In both instances, we were in high school. We went to college an hour away from each other, figured out where halfway was, and took advantage of the potential for regular lunch dates. I even ate dinner at her house on steak night once, and that's a big deal.

I am very much looking forward to her coming home so that halfway dates will be reinstated, I can call her and talk to her right then instead of waiting for an email reply or setting up a skype date with the hassle of a major time difference, and I will not have to miss her so much anymore.

life is like a chapter book...

(... and it would be so much more fun if it was a picture book instead!)

Today marks the beginning of the last week of classes. (I am sincerely wondering if my blogging habit will be maintained once I am done with Psychosocial and Health Promotion?) I had a MedSurg test this morning, KAPLAN this afternoon, a make-up clinical tomorrow along with a pile of paperwork to complete before then, a research critique, final skills check for SIMlab, a research final and a gerontology final, all due this week.
Ready, Set, Go.

Staff training starts approximately three weeks from NOW. While I really am excited, a lot has to happen between now and then - a lot that I am not particularly excited about. I have a to-do list that could probably match Santa Claus's. I have to do a clean sweep of my room and pack... and unpack... and repack... and re-unpack... and shuffle boxes between Clemson and Lexington and Andrews. I have to survive four daunting FINALS. Then we hit what I'm undoubtedly dreading the most - graduations and goodbyes. And while I am incredibly excited for my friends who have faithfully completed their degree or other calling here and are weeks away from spreading out all over the world, I have a certain image and premonition of how empty Clemson will feel for my senior year.

Anyone who knows me well knows that transition and I are not exactly friends. I am adaptable, I am confident in that. But the process of adaptation, the times of transition and getting used to a new environment, I don't like it. Especially now, because it feels like it's such a misplaced transition time. I'm not graduating. I'm not leaving. This is not the end of my story here. It's not a natural phase-out like graduating, or even like leaving a summer at Snowbird. But the fact that it's time for so many of the people I love to close out this chapter of life is turning it into a period of transition for me at a time where it is not a natural ending. I think it would be different if I was graduating too, if I had new and exciting things to move on to instead of another year of nursing school without a huge chunk of the community I've been blessed with at Clemson.

However, I do know it's a lot easier to focus on the negative instead of being grateful that people like Emily Clardy and Elizabeth Hughes and even Anna will be around. And that this time next year, I will be hopefully be writing about faithfully finishing out MY four years, post-graduation plans, and other things of the "new and exciting" variety. But for now, I have to wait it out, and trust how God is going to provide next year in the area of friendships and community. Next year is going to be substantially different than what I have known my first three years of college, and I think fear of the unknown is playing huge into my general attitude toward my Junior year ending.

Sometimes I think the time leading up to transition, the anticipation of change, and the subconscious fear that God is not going to provide just well in the "new" as in the familiar is almost more difficult than when it comes time to actually close the chapter.

A blog about Jesy Cordle

This blog post is about my dear friend, Jesy Cordle . Right now, I am sitting less than two feet away from her, and she will not talk to me, so it's a super awkward silence. And secretly, I'm wondering, with her persistent blog stalking, how long it will take for her to read this post and make a comment about it. Because then, she will actually have to verbally communicate with me! yay!


Jesy and Megan. I love you two. please communicate with each other, if not for your sake, than for mine.

when i am an idiot

I have to be incredibly careful in writing this, I am very conscious of that. My goal here is not anything other than to share what I am learning and hope that maybe, just maybe, it can be used to encourage and/or teach someone else. It is not to make myself look good (which I'm pretty sure is going to be impossible if you keep reading) or with the hopes that any specific person will read this. Here goes.

Every year for camp, we read a book and write chapter summaries on it. My first summer, I didn't get the book in the mail until three days before it was due, the week before finals - so I will more than readily admit I didn't get as much out of the book as I could and should have. Last summer, I was more responsible in reading it with good intentions, but the book that was chosen really served more as a motivator to increase our faith both in ourselves and in the students we would work with than anything else. This summer, we are going through the book of Romans together, which has been SO good. It's nice to have the accountability of having to turn a section in every week, despite being pretty hectic to get everything completed sometimes. Regardless, I am really enjoying it.

But if our unrighteousness serves to show the righteousness of God, what shall we say? That God is unrighteous to inflict wrath on us? (I speak in a human way) By no means! For then how could God judge the world? But if through my lie God’s truth abounds to his glory, why am I still being condemned as a sinner? And why not do evil that good may come?—as some people slanderously charge us with saying. Their condemnation is just. (Romans 3:5-8)

This is what I went over today, and this is what I NEEDED to chew on today. It's a little bit of a counterargument to earlier context, but Paul is basically answering the question of "Well, if my unrighteousness will demonstrate God's righteousness, then how can God judge me?... since my sin is still bringing Him glory, and still a part of His plan?"

This is kind of the same train of thought that I could see Judas using when he was defending himself, when being confronted about betraying Jesus. "Look, I know that I messed up, I know that I sinned, but You used it for good.. I mean, if I hadn't have done this, then Jesus wouldn't have died on the cross, I helped carry out the plan." But, this isn't a correct way to reason it. God did use Judas' betrayal for his ultimate good, but it was still wrong, regardless of how it incorporated into God's plan. He doesn't deserve any credit for the fact that God still used his wickedness for good.

I am looking at this in the way that it applies to my life right now, because this is where I'm at right now, it's where my mind is taking this, and a way that I can make this uncomfortably applicable to the here and now. Maybe I am twisting what Paul meant by this.

Recently, I got caught being deceptive and dishonest in a friendship.As much of a mess as it was and continues to be, and as bad as I feel about it, I am confident that my mistakes ultimately are in the process of being turned to good. I was dumb, and I hurt my friend with no excuses. But on the flip side, my snooping led to sin being revealed in the life of someone I care a whole lot about, and the beginnings of that being addressed and worked through instead of remaining hidden.

As much as I don't want to to be like this, and know it shouldn't be like this, my attitude the last few days has been faulting towards one of wrongly feeling like I was "helping" the work that God is doing in her life, and that somehow justified what I did. I know in theory how wrong that is, but that doesn't mean my thinking wasn't going in that direction regardless. I do believe that God used my screw-ups for sanctification in the life of someone else, and I think He does that on a regular basis, not just exclusively in this situation. But the fact that I can visibly see how God is using this for good doesn't excuse it, not one bit. The end does not justify the means in this situation. It doesn't make it okay. I first read my commentary on this, thinking Judas was an idiot for that argument. But then it hit me that I am hiding under the same defense. Yes, God used my deceit for good, and I am glad to serve a God who is in the business of turning rags into riches. But it is STILL sin, and I have no right to take any credit here for God working through me even when I make a mess of things and hurt people in the process.

I typically end my blog posts with one, thought-provoking final bang, but I'm out of ideas.

selfless

At the beginning of March, I put a visitor counter on my blog. I've had over 700 hits in a little over a month. I never realized I was so popular :) But, in all sincerity, I do appreciate that people are actually reading what I have to say, unless you can attribute all of those page loads to a certain few stalkers :) good thing I don't know who you are.

If anyone cares to know what's been on my mind lately - along with the looming inevitability of end of school chaos - it's the question of what it truly looks like to be a selfless person, why I am all of a sudden deciding it's a concept I need to work on, and is it even practical to think that there is a possibility of growth for not just me, but for anyone in this area. Be warned, this is going to be all over the place.

I think it is not healthy to attempt to be a completely selfless person all the time. For example, my clinical group often fights over procedures and who is going to get to perform a certain skill when the opportunity arises. Would a selfless thing be to take myself out of the fight and allow my classmates to take every opportunity? Once or twice, sure. But to do that constantly, claiming nothing for myself, would be detrimental to my own training at the hospital. Follow? It's great to think of others before myself, but not to the extent of self compromise.

That's a situation that's pretty practical to understand. So, what about when it's not so cut and dry? My mind is really trying to comprehend how to apply this to a couple abstract situations, which is really my motive in writing that. The clinical example was really just a concrete transposition of the abstract. I am fighting to learn how to be understanding and compassionate in situations where I feel like my point of view is not being heard and where situation's impact on me is being disregarded. That's where I'm at right now, and it's hard. But I'm trying. And I am also trying to reconcile this with not becoming a doormat. There's a line, but where is it? Where does selfless stop and self-compromising start?

Obviously, selflessness is a desirable trait in theory, but are the actions that it takes to become this way always going to be perceived correctly? Nobody can truly know another's motives. Selflessness requires looking out for the interest of others before yourself, as long as it's not personally self-destructive - whether in action or attitude.

I think every person needs a healthy balance of selfish and selfless in their lives and there are times when these two may even overlap more than we realize.

the finish line

There is just something about second semester of Junior year for me. I don't really know if patterns can be defined by just two examples, but if I remember correctly, the spring of my junior year of high school was quite a mess, in similar ways to how this semester has been. A good mess at times, a mess full of growing experiences, but a mess nonetheless. But among the mess comes a certain amount of confidence in the God who continues to take care of me, and I get to the point of not really minding that constant reminder that I can't do this alone. Life is good right now for me, really it is, but I think more and more I am realizing the brokenness of the people I am surrounded by, and that's what's getting to me. I wish that I had the capability to make things right, even though I know it's illogical to think I have any control over the circumstances in my friends' lives.

BCM was good last night. It's ironic that I picked last night to go, considering all the weeks I've skipped this semester and how much I had to get done last night. But I think what Doug talked about last night was very timely, as we are approaching the end of the semester, and was absolutely a reminder that I needed.

[Paul] said to them, "You yourselves know, from the first day that I set foot in Asia, how I was with you the whole time, serving the Lord with all humility and with tears and with trials which came upon me through the plots of the Jews; how I did not shrink from declaring to you anything that was profitable, and teaching you publicly and from house to house, solemnly testifying to both Jews and Greeks of repentance toward God and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. "And now, behold, bound by the Spirit, I am on my way to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there, except that the Holy Spirit solemnly testifies to me in every city, saying that bonds and afflictions await me. But I do not consider my life of any account as dear to myself, so that I may finish my course and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God. - Acts 20:18-24

A lot of us start well, excited about the future and the prospect of a new beginning. But how many of us can truly say that we end seasons of life with the same fire we started? Crunch time is beginning. Finals week is becoming more than just a distant headache, organizations are planning their final activities (all on the same weekend, I'm realizing) and friends are trying to cram in their last bits of quality time before spending days together becomes difficult or impossible. But what is going to pay the price during this increased period of business? What are we going to let slide while we fight to juggle an increasing amount of obligations? Pain is temporary, but quitting is eternal. Finishing strong, saying goodbye in good conscience, and remaining completely surrendered to God's call is not going to be an easy process, for me, or for anyone. But giving up, letting my attitude be adversely affected by the approaching end as school continues to pile up and the thought of losing friends to "growing up" is more and more on the forefront of my mind, or by slacking off and coasting both in work and relationships... the ramifications of that are final. How we choose to handle the next month is permanent.

Time is short, and I am becoming increasingly aware of that. Whether that phrase is read in context of school ending, or the general cliché meaning, it's true regardless. Let your conversations matter. Say what needs to be said, and don't waste time. Don't shrink back from saying what profitable, both for you and for others. Don't waste time on small talk, on meaningless conversation when you have the opportunity to pour into the lives of others and share the hope we have in Christ. Encourage others to fight for the same. Take advantage of this time, and REDEEM it.
(Draw an imaginary arrow from this paragraph back to the opening sentences)

Be satisfied with the way you end. And believe that the end is good.

my mother blog stalks me.

MoeJoe's has become one of my favorite places in Clemson this semester. Whether it's meeting friends for coffee, struggling over clinical paperwork, fighting for motivation to study, wishing I could pour more time into my Romans assignments for camp instead of "touchy-feely nursing" or chugging enough caffeine to make it until bedtime, I spend way too much time here. Too much money, too, but that's another story. Spring break was needed, but ultimately Clemson is home for me right now and it's nice to be back in the swing of things. I can't believe I am thinking like that, but it's definitely a welcomed train of thought. Spring break was stressful, and I think my mind is working in overdrive right now.

Last night, the topic of CP group was "Five Things I Wish I Knew Before Graduating", a very timely topic since half of our group is graduating in a little over a month. A phrase from that conversation has really been ringing in my head today (thanks Amy Chasteen!).
Who you are defines what you do.
So simple, but so loaded with truth, because I think looking at it the opposite way is such a temptation, or even a way of life for most people. It's hard not to let your identity get lost in your actions or your involvements.
I am not defined by the fact that I am a nursing student, a Clemson student, a Ben Lippen grad, a SWO staff member. I'm not defined by being Tommy and Peggy's daughter, Anna's sister, Emily's friend. I am not defined by the fact that I study too much, I trip over my own two feet constantly, I don't like to be left in the dark about things, and I can never find the right words to say. I am not defined by the ways I have messed up, by the ways I have intentionally and unintentionally hurt people, by the things I have done, or by all the ways I will mess up between now and when I go to bed tonight.
I say I know this, but knowing and acting on that knowledge are two different things.

I am going real live camping this weekend. This should be interesting. I am also slightly bummed that TOMS "One Day Without Shoes" is on a Tuesday... I don't think that would go over too well at clinical.

patients and patience

I went to bed mad last night, something that is pretty abnormal for me. I woke up mad, at something other than the fact that it was at 5 in the morning, although that might have been fuel to the fire. Justifiable anger? probably. Righteous anger? probably not. Mad is gone, frustration is hesitantly leaving, and prayers for an understanding and compassionate attitude are at the very top of my list. I'm working on it.

A bad morning does not typically set the stage well for a good clinical, but this week was a surprising and welcome exception. Each week, I keep finding myself a new "favorite patient ever" and today was no exception. It's kind of incredible the amount of encouragement I sometimes get from the people I work with. How I am there with the intention of giving, but it usually ends with me receiving just as much, if not more.

Today was our first day on the oncology floor - where will tentatively be for the rest of the semester. I can't say it would be my specialty of choice, but much more enjoyable than I expected. I spent the day in the outpatient center, watching and minimally helping with chemo infusions, etc. The patient I spent the most time with was there for a bone marrow biopsy and after the (very painful looking) procedure, another student and I spent awhile sitting in his room and listening to his story, about the cancer and the platform it had given him. He talked about the importance of hope in Christ, and how integral it had been to his recovery. How we need to pray for the impossible, and have HOPE that we serve a God powerful enough to meet our needs, even when we don't quite know what they are. That's what I needed to hear today. Sometimes things seem impossible. Sometimes friends seem impossible. But my God is possible.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

I really want Jello right now. Unfortunately, the Jello I just made will take 4-6 hours to congeal... at which time, I probably will want sleep more than I want Jello.

Pi(e) Day

An attempt to write more is kind of worthless without material to write about. I will say in advance that this is probably going to be a rambling post to add to my methods of distraction during class. Anything significant I could write about I wouldn't write about on the internet. So ends the potential for this to turn into food for thought.

I could talk about how irritated I am that all of my friends have either had spring break already, or are currently at the beach, in other countries, sleeping past 7am and not having to struggle over research critiques, truth models and medication profiles... at least for the time being. But next week, while everyone else is dragging themselves out of bed for Monday 8am's, Clemson students will be the ones sleeping in and most certainly gloating about it.

Today during class, I have finished my patho sheet, eaten a pack of bugels, drank about half of Kathleen's nalgene as a direct result of the bugels, caught up on reading Stuff Christians Like, filled out all 3 of my March Madness Brackets - one by flipping a virtual coin - and couldn't tell you a single thing we have talked about in the hour I have been in class. C'est la vie.

pretty little liars

I am trying to do a good job of writing what I am thinking, mostly because of the immense value of being able to read back over it later and often, the encouragement it brings to know that I do NOT think like I did even as recently as a year ago. The other day, I rediscovered my Xanga page from my freshman year of high school. While it is much too embarrassing to publish the link, it's always encouraging to see how God has corrected my thinking and ranting, and reformed my immaturity. To an extent, at least :)

This may not make much sense, but here's an attempt. Lately, more so than ever, I have learned to really appreciate the value of truth, and how integral is really is daily interactions. When asked a question, a response can go one of two ways - truth or lie. But the question is, how often do those lines get blurred? Whether it comes in blatant lies, deceitful half-truths, or simply by silence, truth does not have near the value it should. We lie about stupid things, and about things where the truth would not even be consequential, and I am trying to wrap my mind around how that has become so accepted and common.

I don't want to be a skeptical person, but as a side note, I think I am becoming that way even in relationships not deserving of suspicion.

My most recent endeavor has been to be a more honest person (Although it may not be wise to ask Pam or Sara what might have come from that ambition yesterday). I have a reputation of being blunt, but I think that is most definitely situational. I wouldn't consider myself a pathological liar by any definition, but I so often fail when it comes to honesty. My problem is not with lying, but in avoiding topics, sugar coating things, beating around the bush, telling people what they want to hear, ignoring issues in an attempt to please others, and essentially lying by omission. Ultimately, the only person that is ever going to hurt is myself, and so goes the trial run in fixing that.

I have too often had to choose between opening my mouth and screwing myself over, or keeping my mouth shut and watching silently while other people self destruct. I would like to get to the point where I care more about people than I do about people liking me.

a new appreciation for hot meals

Keeping with tradition, I first have to say that in class today I learned that once you have kids, you will not eat a hot meal for 18 years. Women should always marry men 7 years younger than them so they don't set themselves up for widowhood. iClickers reduce stress, and I have a whole inner pharmacy of endorphins. Today, I got locked out of my apartment because my roommate left, thinking I was in my room while I was actually chasing Layla all over the neighborhood. Thankfully, I have great friends like Elizabeth and Katelyn who come and rescue me... and the dog, who really enjoyed the fact that she was outside while her leash was inside. In hindsight, pretty entertaining.

A month ago, I was dreading the end of the semester. Now, I am just short of counting down the days until summer. I typically find myself dreading change way in advance, but then it finally comes time, it's more than welcome. The irony of the situation is almost laughable. Plus, I'm working at camp again this summer - first time I've put that statement in writing... surprise!

The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does. The Lord is faithful in all his words and kind in all his works. The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down... The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them.
Psalm 145:14-19

I like this a lot, and I like the crazy frequency by which it has been showing up in my life lately.

What I Like About Fridays.

Emily Clardy is so sweet. She even wrote an entire post about how much she loves me.

I have decided that I am not a fan of my classes this semester. I feel like three weeks is long enough to be able to make that call. Med-Surg is just plain overwhelming. Research is torture. Gerontology is online. Health Promotion is Dr. Howe. and Psychosocial needs Jesus.
I do, however, like Fridays a lot. This is potentially because it is the only day I do not have to wear scrubs to class. And I learn really important things, like the fact that vacuuming is the most strenuous exercise you can do inside your house, and that my professor has a sister who is 500 pounds, and that the 1 year chip is the most special in Alcoholics Anonymous, and that there is no shortage of "inspirational" nursing videos on YouTube. Our group work has somehow turned into a debate over the names of the teams in Legends of the Hidden Temple. I am dying right now in this class.
However, the fact that I am sitting in 302 Edwards and wearing jeans, rain boots, and a normal shirt with my hair down makes it almost worth it.

You give and take away.

We sang this song tonight at youth. It's a song I've been singing almost as long as I can remember. It's followed me through awkward seventh grade, rebellious eighth grade, insecure freshman year, apathetic sophomore year, stressed junior year and senior year - which no one word can really describe - I feel like I would need a really loaded, multifaceted word, and I can't really think of one.

But this song has never really hit me quite like it has tonight. The words have become complacent, routine, and unimportant. But not tonight. I needed to hear this. God gives, and God takes away - but above all else, HE is in control, HE is sovereign, and HE is good.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

bring it on, spring 2011

‎"Wait on the Lord" is a constant refrain in the Psalms, and it is a necessary word, for God often keeps us waiting. He is not in such a hurry as we are, and it is not his way to give more light on the future than we need for action in the present, or to guide us more than one step at a time. When in doubt, do nothing, but continue to wait on God. When action is needed, light will come." - J.I. Packer
I currently feel like I am drinking out of a fire hydrant as far as life goes. This has been potentially the most ridiculous week of my life - (ridiculous enough to be blog-worthy). I have a lot on my mind. Lots of decisions to make - including both the immediate, the long term, and the even longer term - and lots of worries that I really shouldn't be worried about because I serve a God who has proven Himself faithful over and over again. I think this week I've been a position, maybe even for the first time in my life, where I have had no other choice but to trust God - situations that were completely out of control and all transpiring at the same time. I learn a lot when I am stretched in ways that I don't particularly appreciate being stretched.

This week, I have learned that I am capable of making decisions that require complete faith that the outcome will be worth it, despite what it takes to get there. I have been reminded that God is always, always, always going to provide, even if I have to break a sweat while waiting rather impatiently. I have been reminded how much i miss Rachel Eckard, currently spending the semester in South Asia. I've learned the at the best part of waking up really IS Folgers in your cup - thank you Junior II.

I've been reminded that above everything else, God is in control, and I am not, and I am immeasurably thankful for that.

random stream of consciousness from finals week

I'm calling this post "random stream of consciousness from finals week" I feel like i have made plenty of good points this week. Laura McLachlan agrees. She is currently not drawing pictures of squirrels today, but her productivity is debatable... as is mine. However, I can't document these epiphanies on facebook as is typical protocal, so this will have to do. I'm sure Elizabeth is the only person who reads this.

1. I have made it through an entire semester of Patho, Pharm, MedSurg AND Health Assessment, and I could not tell you what COLDSPA stands for. whoops.
2. The more I see other school's nursing uniforms, the more I appreciate mine. Even the neon white pants. This is Laura's contribution to my list.
3. If I like anything about finals week, it is the profuse availability of free food. everywhere.
4. I've realized that I have spent $8 on scantrons this semester. Am I not paying enough to take these tests already? Another added expenditure r/t nursing school.
5. DID I REALLY JUST USE R/T IN A SENTENCE? Too pathetic to backspace.
6. I am halfway between wanting to jump off a cliff and crawl into bed right now.
7. Today: Pearl Harbor day. Palmetto Health Externship application day. my dog's birthday. It's a crucial day in history.
8. I have typed the word "diarrhea" so many times this week that I not only know how to spell it, but am slightly alarmed.
9. I have worn both of my Clemson School of Nursing tshirts this week. I think this is a subconscious attempt to get to people to maybe not judge me when they realize how rough I currently look.

Why I Hate Finals, revisited.

Emily Clardy told me if I was going to "waste my time blogging" it better be about her. Pam Lyons told me I had to write about her earlier today. I have very demanding friends.

I would like to reiterate my post from April 28 of this year entitled Reasons Why I Hate Finals. Substitute the SWO Christmas Party in place of general camp, change being done on Friday to being done on Thursday.
Maybe tack "they're ampho-terrible" on as #15.
and that, ladies and gentlemen, is where I am currently at mentally.

Laura McLachlan is sitting beside me on the 4th floor of the Robert Muldrow Cooper Library drawing a picture of a squirrel on her notes. This obviously is a very successful study method for pharmacology, but once again, this is currently where we are at mentally.

"The Lord upholds all who are falling, and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food in due season. You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them."

I know this is a psalm. I'm not quite sure which one. I found it saved in a word document and I like it.

my HOPE is FOUND.

http://owlcityblog.com/2010/10/25/my-hope-is-found/

really, this is just amazing.
sometimes i need little reminders like this, as i'm in the library for the millionth time this semester, stressing over a pharm test and a med-surg test this week, muddling through health assessment homework, sulking about having to take another class with a professor who really aggrivates me, making plans to drive to Virginia for fall break, and just being generally overwhelmed with life - that in CHRIST ALONE my HOPE is FOUND.

so many things don't matter.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him" - Lamentations 3:21-25 (NIV)

actions

I have realized that Elizabeth Hughes is a very wise person. I am also blogging because she has threatened vandalism of my photos, and I prefer to avoid that. Also, I have a difficult time paying attention in Patho and so I need to do something to pass the time other than the traditional rotation of facebooking and tetris.

Nursing... is hard. I'm glad to some extent, because I like being challenged. However, I also like sleep and a social life, both of which nursing school is attempting to squelch out of my life. I've learned a lot about prioritizing, which I thought was a struggle I had mastered last year. But I think the level of business I'm muddling through this semester is teaching me a lot about what is important to me. I say that about every semester, but every semester the need to manage my time increases.

A friend of mine shared this verse with me this morning, and while applicable [side note: my inability to say the word applicable is improving] to the specific situation we were talking about, i think it really speaks to a broader area.
Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. (1 John 3:18)

Actions speak louder than words, and I'm noticing that not only by the actions of other people, but also in how i interact with others. I need to mean things when I say them. Instead of just saying that I care about people, actually taking the time to support my words by my actions. Especially when I'm struggling to make time for everything i HAVE to do, it's so easy to tell people that I love them and I care about them, but what good is that when I don't actually take the time to back it up.
It's not.
Any maybe I don't do a good job of putting this concept into practice, but I'm trying.

retrospect

I realized that I never posted this, even though I wrote it back in August. better late than never :)


I've flipped through my camp notebook plenty of times since I've been back in civilization, each time thinking that I want to somehow take everything I said and thought and wrote and combine it into one long jumble, more for myself than anyone else. It doesn't seem real to me that I've just spent eleven weeks of my life completely removed from my normal surroundings and immersed in an environment that's such a disconnect from reality here. Kathleen and I were talking on the way home, as we passed Oconee Medical Center and saw a powerwalker that reminded us of Nate Evens, how nobody is capable of understanding a summer at Snowbird unless they've personally experienced it. I don't mean this in an overdramatic teenage girl kind of way (and by the way, I am officially free to make teenager jokes now that I have said goodbye to ninteen) but in a sincere kind of way. As much as we talk to our friends about the rodeo, and crack jokes about black hoodies, or complain about cardboard pizza, or attempt to explain Kahuna's analogies, it's simply not something that can be fully understand by people who haven't been with us every step of the way.
I'm really thankful to have people at Clemson, and close to Clemson, who have that shared experience so I don't feel as much like an island this year.
[end rabbit trail #1]

One thing I've come to learn is that I'm a processer. Sometimes I need time to mentally sort through things before I am capable of giving an adequate response to them. One weekend this summer, I went to see Toy Story 3 after having a long, serious conversation with a friend. I don't remember anything about that movie to be honest because my mind wouldn't stop arguing with itself. During camp, there is rarely an opportunity to have uninterrupted thinking time. When I was in Cola, I divided my time between unpacking/packing and trying to squeeze in quality time with a lot of people, and so I'd been continuing in the style of being busy all the time. So here I am, (only?) two weeks later, back in Clemson and finally getting a chance to catch my breath.
[false statement. "real" nursing school has started, and I'm about to start drowning again]

moral of the story: i love Snowbird. and as uncertain as I am at this point about whether or not the summer I just finished will be my last. I am thankful for every part of it, good and bad. And there was definitely a fair share of both of those moments. I know the ministry at SWO is focused on ministering to the students who come each week, but I know I haven't left either of these summers the same.

If I had to choose what I think I'm going to take away from this summer, it could be summed up in one simple but loaded word: LOVE. I wrote about it earlier in the summer, but over the last four weeks, I kept coming back to that same concept. Sometimes it takes me awhile to catch on when God is trying to teach me something. One of the passages that we unpacked in staff church over the last few weeks of camp was Romans 12.

"Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer"

Loving other people with the same, GENUINE love that's been shown to me is not something I'm good at. I actually don't think there are many, if any, people who can say they've truly mastered that art. But God's love isn't contingent on human attitudes or actions and i know mine is, unfortunately. I think acknowledging that is the first step to attempting to allow the love that God has shown to me to be channeled to the rest of my people in my life. For elaboration, read the note before this one.

One other point that was reiterated time after time at camp was that we may not really know how the summer shaped us until weeks or even months back in the real world. If that's the case, which I believe it is, maybe I'll revisit this in the middle of the semester. One thing that was said to me on the last day of SWO9, that I repeated to my campers almost every week this summer, and am now constantly reminding myself is that the God of Andrews, NC is the SAME God that's in Clemson, SC and to the ends of the earth. Ministry is found everywhere, not just on the busses that came to us every Monday afternoon.

love.

I really, genuinely can't believe how quickly this summer has gone by. (I also really, genuinely can't believe how well I am getting internet in the coop right now). Yesterday was my birthday. Two decades, ladies and gentlemen. It was an amazing day and I'm so blessed to be able to spend it surrounded by my Snowbird family. I felt really loved.

I feel like each of my last five weeks here has had a "theme" of some sorts, that has eventually plugged in to the big picture of what I am learning and how I am being shaped by being here this summer. This week was about the LOVE of Christ, and how so often I don't understand it, recieve it, or display it. I don't think I'll ever be able to understand it.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not boast. Love is not proud. Love is not rude. Love is not self-seeking. Love is not easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects. Always trusts. Always hopes. Always perseveres. (1 Cor 13)

I am, more often than I would like to admit, the opposite of all of these things. I'm about the most impatient person you'll ever meet. I have my fair share of pride. Sometimes i get mad quicker than I should. I don't always have the mindset of PROTECTING, TRUSTING, HOPING and PERSEVERING when it's not easy. But through situations that have really made me lean on the hope and love of Christ, I've realized that I give people the love I THINK they deserve, and how absolutely messed up that is.

There are going to be people in my life who are easy to love - and even then, I'm not always goin to love them in the way that Christ loves us. But even more so, I've been realizing the fallacies in my attitude towards people I don't find easy to love. God's love isn't contingent or swayed by actions, attitudes, or personalities. It doesn't matter what I've done, what I've said, who I'm friends with, how I've treated others - it's unconditional and unchangeable.

If Christ can love me despite how often I mess up, how is it so HARD to channel the love I've been given to other people. Realizing the faults in my actions is the first step to allowing Christ to work through me and change that in my life.

This note is probably not very clear, partially because it's quick and staff church starts in three minutes (Luke Lethco just informed me that I am a sinner because I am on facebook during staff church. even though it's not even staff church yet).

Altogether, I'm thankful to be here. I'm thankful for the people God has put in my life to encourage me, love me, teach me how to love others, hold me accountable, and genuinely change me, both at camp, at Clemson, and at home. And I'm not going to take that for granted these last four weeks.

halfway

- We hit the halfway point this week, which is really hard to believe
- I worked with Hillside last week and they were awesome
- We had Mandatory Fun Night last night at the pool, and it was also Matt Stephens birthday
- I met my family in Bryson City this weekend, which was nice. They brought me food
- I'm eating a bagel right now and I just dropped a poppy seed into my keyboard. dang it.
- Megan wants me to tell everyone that i think she's awesome and that i'm glad we're friends. this is true
- my friends are coming this week/end. Kelly, Lindsey, Madison, etc.
- My birthday is also this weekend. sweet deal.
- There is obviously more important stuff going on than surface details, but I have staff church in ten minutes.

Camp is going great - there's definitely been some not-so-great moments, but overall i love it and i love being here.

week two

I had a group from Mississippi this week. They were a cool group and I loved it, but it was exhausting for tons of reasons. Some annoying cold/sinus junk has been making it's way around the staff, and I caught it (but thankfully not until the weekend so I can get some good sleep), I had SWOMP this week (and as much as I love SWOMP, the following day[s] aren't always fun, especially on top of sickness) and I've had some conversations and situations with both campers and staff that have really just been heavy in my thoughts this week.

One thing I'm really worried about right now is being sick, like I mentioned before. I have four individuals next week, which i'm REALLY excited about because one of the girls was one of my campers last year. I'm just worried because if I was to get/still be sick next week, I won't have any backup with my girls.

I think this week I've really just learned how thankful I need to be, and I need to be continually reminded of that. I'm thankful for a family who loves me and who has taught me to make good decisions. I'm thankful for friends who encourage me and pray for me. I'm thankful that God has protected me and kept me from tons of trouble that I could have gotten myself into at some points along the way. I'm thankful for Snowbird and the community of people I'm able to spend the summer with, and how amazing of an environment it is to grow and learn in. I'm thankful for my campers, who probably teach me more than I teach them.

The phrase "Sun Stand Still" has really been stuck in my brain all week as well. A conversation with a friend on staff made me think of a sermon series from Elevation Church that I listened to when I was closing at Coldstone with a girl I didn't like a couple years ago. About having audacious faith and not being afraid to pray for HUGE things from a God who works miracles, like making the sun literally stand still in the sky (Joshua 10). I've found myself praying for the sun to stand still in the lives of a couple people this week - current campers, past campers, staff and friends. It's a cool analogy.

On a more pathetic note, I am terrible at spider solitare. I've played 12 games in the last week (camp internet is lame) and won 0 - I'm a failure.

week 1!

This weekend, I'm in Clemson with three of the most amazing girls ever, so thankful that I live close enough to be able to come here for a couple days. I LOVE camp, but sometimes it's nice to be able to get away and recharge. Plus, a shower, laundry, Crosspoint and Groucho's are also in the deal which makes it even sweeter. Tonight, we went to Anderson for dinner, went with Elizabeth to get her tattoo (where I took a nice nap on the couch) and went swimming in the Berkeley pool. Such a fun night.

I really enjoyed this week. I worked with Faith Baptist, a church I recognized from last summer but had never really interacted with before, and they were great. This week was undoubtedly a crazy one, but I think it really helped a lot of the staff realize that we are GOING to have situations that are out of our control and that we're not going to make it through the summer by relying on our own strength and abilities.

I've been reading Ecclesiastes for the last three weeks. It's good stuff. It's really applicable to my mindset towards the summer in addition to just being solid truth for life in general. Solomon pretty much talks about two worldviews - looking at things from an earthly perspective and a heavenly one, and how if we're just examining life from a view "under the sun" it's inevitable that we'll fall into the trap of thinking life is nothing more than an endless cycle of repetitive routines... but if we look at it from a perspective bigger than ourselves, we can see that God is constantly working in different ways and makings things new.
That's really important to keep in mind when it comes to something like camp. It would be all to easy to get caught up in the routines of a camp week. Same schedule, same sermons, same recs, even the same meals... but that's the earthly perspective. On the other hand, we have different kids come in every week. Students with different backgrounds, different stories, and different personalities. God is working in their lives in completely different ways, and is going to both teach us and use us in drastically different ways throughout the summer... so really, it's never going to be the same.

Because I'm in Clemson, the fact that I'm in the middle of the summer and in the middle of camp doesn't really seem real right now.

weekend #2

Weekend #2. Snowbird really makes me appreciate weekends, and it gives a whole new value to the words 'sleeping in'. Week 1 of SWOX kicks off in a little over 36 hours and I can't wait. I'm so excited and blessed to have the chance to be a part of what's going to happen here over the next 9 weeks.

Yesterday Brody called this ministry 'the hardest job you'll ever love' and I think that's so so so true. I love being here but it's not easy. I always idealized working at a camp to be an easy and fun job and that's so not the case... At least not the easy part! But undoubtedly worth it.

Staff training finished up well. Yesterday we went on the river, and it's so true that the Nantahala is as fun as you make it. It was chilly, thunderstorming, and just a nasty day for a trip in water that's already freez... I mean refreshing. It's times like that when having a good attitude, especially when campers are concerned, is SO HUGE, and optimism and excitement can go a long way even when you're cold, tired and could easily be content in being miserable. I really had a lot of fun to be honest.

Every year, we end the last night of staff training by doing something called 12 hour prayer. Each small group is assigned an hour-long slot which is divided between praying together for half the time and then rotating between walking and praying over campus and reading through the Bible out loud from the back porch of the Coop (our main meeting building, not our beloved clemson library). My small group was assigned 10pm, which was amazing since it didn't involve having to wake up at 3am and go back to sleep after. Other than talking and praying in small groups and reading scripture aloud, everything and everyone else is silent.

Today has been an ideal Saturday here at SWO. Slept in a little bit - and on that note, I am still amazed that at this point, I consider 7am to be sleeping in - camp clean up, Kathleen's roommate and some friends came to visit her and I spent some time with them. Thrift store, hammock nap, laptop time, Monte for dinner, walmart with Matt, Bridgette and Philip, a little ultimate (YES that means I played frisbee... I know, I know) and right now, about 10 of us are sitting in the library reading Mere Christianity out loud and just talking. It's a really cool aspect of this community here that people would willingly spend a Saturday night like this.

It's way past my camp weekend bedtime :) next weekend - CLEMSON!

so far, part II

hey internet. matthew stephens is graciously allowing me to use his laptop while he reads his novel-letter from emily clardy. i had zero motivation to go get my own laptop out of my car.

Our first campers come in less than a week. Last year, i was wondering how in the world they could have two weeks of stuff to teach us in preparation for campers, and this summer it feels like such a time crunch to get everything done! Monday we went on the river to act as dummies for the new guides and we've done a lot of various work and cleaning projects around camp, and had a few solid hours of teaching and training at night.

tonight is SKATE NIGHT. reminds me of those couple nights freshman year when we went skating in Anderson. I miss the Clemson crew a lot. I wouldn't necessarily say i'm homesick, but i think this year i have more of a home to be sick for, if that makes sense. I think having something to look forward to will make it easier to leave once the summer ends, but at the same time, i don't even want to think about that yet - staff training isn't even over!

so far, the tiredness hasn't really hit me like it has a lot of people... but I also think I did better with it last summer than a large chunk of people. Yesterday was probably the worst day so far, but last night i went to bed a little after midnight, woke up on my own at 5 this morning (over an hour before my alarm!) and have had so much energy today. God is an amazing sustainer through the summer in light of our ridiculous schedule and lack of sleep.

those of you who have sent me letters, pictures and cards - you're amazing and i love you guys a lot. Hearing that people are praying for me and my friends here is a huge encouragement.

so far

It's the morning of the fourth day of staff training. Day Four already? this summer is going to fly by. I know that this is almost certainly going to be the last summer I can spend here, so I'm trying to make a conscious effort to savor every moment of it.. even moments that come BEFORE 7am like this one.

My friend Logan is letting me use her laptop for a few minutes to make sure I'm safe from "Clemson Nursing Crisis 2010" (don't worry - Kathleen and I are both good and still have the schedule we signed up for... PTL)

This summer has been a lot different for me so far for a number of reasons. It's strange at first being with a whole new group of staff. It's making me miss friends from last summer who aren't here now. I'm site leader for-skeet shooting (which we've spent the last three days learning) and I'm also working missions, which we start training on this afternoon. I'm not quite sure what all missions is going to entail, but I'm excited to find out. It seems like I'm working with really great groups. I like my small group a lot too - awesome.

It's been a little awkward to relearn the schedule, relearn the routine, and find a system of doing things that works best for me as far as waking up, getinng ready and the most convenient method of storage (AKA living out of my car again - it's pretty sweet)

If you were here last summer and are reading this at home now - miss you guys. Clemson, I still miss you too. Start off the summer strong wherever you are so you can finish strong, even though that seems like forever away. It'll fly by.

the final countdown

Staff training starts a week from today! If that's not exciting, I don't know what is. I really am excited about camp, but I feel like over the last week, some of that excitement has gotten overshadowed by how much I miss Clemson.

I like that I miss Clemson, oddly enough. Last year, I couldn't wait to leave. Even after a year of living there, I didn't really have an attachment to the school, the town, or the people there. It couldn't be more different this year, and for that, I'm thankful. My blood really does run orange now.

I spent Friday night and Saturday with Laura when we took our CPR class together, and it was great to spend time with her and be able to talk about Clemson things. Today, Tabitha and I went to Charlotte with our main motivation being to meet Megan, Lauren and Elizabeth at Ikea for some apartment shopping. Ikea is my new favorite store ever, by the way. It was also great to spend time with the four of them, and to be reconnected with the Clemson segment of my life for a little bit.

But, on the other hand, it's been nice to be home. I've gotten some extra sleep, and some home-cooked meals. I've gotten to hang out with my family a lot, even though they eat weird food. I got to eat lunch with Lauren Perry, got to go to the dollar movies with Tabitha, hung out downtown with Brianna Elliott, and went to dinner and Coldstone with Chelsea, Haley and Casey. I have more people on that list to see before I leave. It's been nice to spend time and catch up with the people who are important to me even though I don't see them enough as I would like - they're great.

I probably wouldn't appreciate Lexington as much if I was here for more than a couple weeks.

my favorite A

Finals are done, I am home, and I miss Clemson a lot already. I'm officially no longer a resident of Calhoun Courts S7G or an occupant of Postal Box #4015. It's quite sad, although I'm excited for camp, and thankful to have some relaxation time at home before the SWOX madness begins, but the result is some weird lag time where I don't really know what to do with myself.

This semester was probably my most challenging one yet. Finals week was a classic case of the end justifying the means. It was long, it was rough, and it involved a very small amount of sleep. I don't think I've ever put so much effort into anything in my life, but i can rightfully say it paid off. I made my first 4.0, with 18 hours, and most importantly - I made an A in Anatomy!

I said pigs would have to fly and hell would have to freeze for me to be able to make that 105 I needed on my final. I wasn't going to bother trying on the final, but thanks to a certain professor, I studied for an entire week. The morning of the test (at 8am, nonetheless - whoever thought that was a good idea was an idiot), I saw a boy wearing a shirt with a flying pig on it, even though i felt terrible after turning in that test, I found that reassuring.

I don't think I've ever been so happy to make an A in anything in my life. I came from a 62 on the first test of last semester to a 102.5 on my final and an A this semester. I kind of saw this class like a game - you have a good run, then a bad run, you earn a few points, you lose a few points, you're winning for awhile, then you get behind, but all that matters in the end is the final score. Mostly I focused on this mentality to keep myself motivated - I love a challenge. I just wanted to win the game and prove to myself that I could make an A and I worked hard for it.

I don't normally differentiate my A's by how much I like them - because that's lame, and really just kind of weird - but I think this is my favorite A ever. At least, it's in very close running with my 92.5 in Mr. Martin's 8th grade Algebra 1 class. I worked harder for this A than any other grade I've ever made. I guess it's more about the sense of achievement because my effort paid off than the actual letter grade.

So, with that said, I am officially halfway done with college. Done with the "easy part" of nursing school, so I've heard. I can't imagine what next year will be like, but I'm really excited for another challenge.
Coming up next - SNOWBIRD!

The Last Laugh

This semester, I had some pretty strange professors. Some of them were a good kind of strange, others I wondered how... well, i just wondered. So, I compiled this list for everyone to enjoy the ridiculousness of my semester.

“my biggest beef is with people who insist that Las Vegas, with its 120+ degree heat, isn’t so bad because it’s “dry heat”… well my oven is dry heat and it cooks a chicken” - Cummings

“a sauna is a stove for people” - Cummings

“when I’m cold I can throw on another layer… when it’s hot, I can only get so naked” - Cummings

"Pretty please. Pretty please with sugar on it. Pretty please with high fructose corn syrup and MSG on it. " - Wentworth

"Germs don't cause diseases" - Wentworth

"I mean, of course there's water in your bladder... you don't pee powder, now do you?" - Cummings

"This is what happenes when you have blood flowing for your veins - but of course, this doesn't apply to me because i'm a VAMPIRE and i don't have blood" - Wentworth

"A phagocyte turns into a phagosome, which binds with a lysosome. And when the phagosome binds with a lysosome, it becomes a phagolysosome. That’s about as close to Dr. Seuss as this class is going to get" - Cummings

"My name is William... but i prefer to go by billy beau bob bubba boy of the best and biggest bayous of Biloxi" - Wentworth

"coughcoughcoughcoughcoughcoughcoughcough...WHOOP" - Mickelsen

"Type 3 secretions are just like a big secret meeting of microbes sitting around to figure out how they can cause infections" - Mickelsen

"There are over SIXTY THOUSAND miles of blood vessels in the human body. So next time you get bored driving to Charleston, just remember the poor little erythrocytes" - Cummings

"it's like eharmony.com... you just have to find the right antigen to bind to and some just need a little extra help" - Mickelsen

"I think Hell is just going to be a lot like Clemson - you just have to drive around forever and ever looking for a dang parking spot!" - Eddie Smith

"One time I had a student who took a whole semester off of school go to live in the same town Charles Manson was from and research his life... I gave him an A just in case" - Eddie Smith

"When you don't have friends and you feel all alone... just remember that your resident microflora will always be there" - Mickelsen

“I grew up (although some people will argue that never happened) in Ohio” - Cummings

"Doing this hurts like heck, but i'm a masochist and i have to prove a point" - Wentworth

"Ahh... the best love stories involve fiery crashes and health insurance" - Wentworth

"Any Questions? Comments? Concerns? Hateful Comments? Wishful Thinkings? Faces you used to make behind your teacher's back in fifth grade? Mean insults you learned in fourth grade? Finger gestures you secretly learned in middle school? Dark Secrets? Dirty Jokes? Speak now or forever hold your peace" - Wentworth

"Evidence based medicine, who needs it? You certainly do not need it if you WANT to kill a few brains, I guess." - Wentworth

"We're talking raw milk here... and I have 2 and a half gallons of the illegal stuff in my fridge right now! - Wentworth

"If you lived back in the 1940's, you wanted to make sure you stayed near the top of your class... otherwise you might have ended up one of those people who has to taste urine for presence of glucose" - Cummings

Goodbye, 4015

I'm officially a college junior. i just set up my permanant mail forwarding. My address is no longer 4015 University Station. I think this has made me sadder than anything else about this year ending... so weird.

The end of the school year, like i said before, is such a bittersweet time. being DONE with anatomy forever, a class that i've poured so much and has completely consumed my life for the last year, is a weird feeling. i NEVER have to sit through another of Dr. Howe's tirades about how I need to be caring and compassionate. NEVER again