9:25am: I have been in the library for an hour, and my productivity has been limited to facebook stalking, eating a bagel that I stole from Schiletter yesterday, making faces at Merritt Gantt, spraying myself in the face with Cherry Lemon SunDrop after learning that soda put into a camelbak is an unfortunate combination, flipping through pictures of ridiculous-looking hats from the royal wedding, finding new music to add to my currently bare and pitiful excuse of an iTunes library, and watching an episode of Rocket Power online. and, of course, blogging.
If I am going to drag myself out of bed this early, I need to make it worth it.
I brought two bagels and a lunchable with me today.
I'll be here for awhile.
Stay tuned.
11:29am: Progress. I have opened the Word Document that contains my geri final. I'll take what I can get. In other news, This new website I found is essentially the best thing that has ever happened to me... at least the best thing that's ever happened to my productivity today. If you use Google Chrome, you want to check it out. I have facebook blocked on my computer for the next six hours. Maybe I should block blogger... and my email... and websites that have pictures of hideous hats...
1:04pm: I like the abundance of free food given out in the library during finals. I'm pretty sure I could just not leave the library for the entire week and my stomach still be adequately filled.
6:54pm: In case anyone was wondering, I found my motivation. Somewhere deep in the bowels of Robert Muldrow Cooper. I hate that phrase, but given the circumstances (and the floorplan of the library) I feel it's fitting.
Geri final done.
Romans #7 almost done.
MedSurg modules done.
Study guide time...
9:01pm: Finding random Dr. Harmon quotes in the margins of my notes is making this study experience significantly better. I'm making a compilation, which is motivation to keep flipping through my notes to find all of them.
"I am jealous of people who have noncumulative finals. Just think how much easier our lives would be right now" - Laura McLachlan
9:17pm Really, Pandora? You're not helping
4.30.2011
4.27.2011
a post entirely dedicated to Rachel Eckard
I forgot one important part of my last post, and I think it deserves not only an edit but an entirely new post. I am thankful that Rachel Eckard will be back in the country in a mere three months. And not only that, in the fall she will be back at Erskine, living a mere hour from me, and fifteen minutes from the hospital where I have Friday clinicals, which has some great potential.
Rachel Eckard has been my best friend for almost 21 years. I am ten days older than her, and I will never let her forget that, even though she will never let ME forget that I will hit 40 ten days before her. We celebrate our birthdays on July 9th, because it's halfway between the two. One time for Christmas, she gave me playdough, another time she gave me a plastic model of Larry the Cucumber with interchangeable hats. In both instances, we were in high school. We went to college an hour away from each other, figured out where halfway was, and took advantage of the potential for regular lunch dates. I even ate dinner at her house on steak night once, and that's a big deal.
I am very much looking forward to her coming home so that halfway dates will be reinstated, I can call her and talk to her right then instead of waiting for an email reply or setting up a skype date with the hassle of a major time difference, and I will not have to miss her so much anymore.
4.25.2011
life is like a chapter book...
(... and it would be so much more fun if it was a picture book instead!)
Today marks the beginning of the last week of classes. (I am sincerely wondering if my blogging habit will be maintained once I am done with Psychosocial and Health Promotion?) I had a MedSurg test this morning, KAPLAN this afternoon, a make-up clinical tomorrow along with a pile of paperwork to complete before then, a research critique, final skills check for SIMlab, a research final and a gerontology final, all due this week.
Ready, Set, Go.
Staff training starts approximately three weeks from NOW. While I really am excited, a lot has to happen between now and then - a lot that I am not particularly excited about. I have a to-do list that could probably match Santa Claus's. I have to do a clean sweep of my room and pack... and unpack... and repack... and re-unpack... and shuffle boxes between Clemson and Lexington and Andrews. I have to survive four daunting FINALS. Then we hit what I'm undoubtedly dreading the most - graduations and goodbyes. And while I am incredibly excited for my friends who have faithfully completed their degree or other calling here and are weeks away from spreading out all over the world, I have a certain image and premonition of how empty Clemson will feel for my senior year.
Anyone who knows me well knows that transition and I are not exactly friends. I am adaptable, I am confident in that. But the process of adaptation, the times of transition and getting used to a new environment, I don't like it. Especially now, because it feels like it's such a misplaced transition time. I'm not graduating. I'm not leaving. This is not the end of my story here. It's not a natural phase-out like graduating, or even like leaving a summer at Snowbird. But the fact that it's time for so many of the people I love to close out this chapter of life is turning it into a period of transition for me at a time where it is not a natural ending. I think it would be different if I was graduating too, if I had new and exciting things to move on to instead of another year of nursing school without a huge chunk of the community I've been blessed with at Clemson.
However, I do know it's a lot easier to focus on the negative instead of being grateful that people like Emily Clardy and Elizabeth Hughes and even Anna will be around. And that this time next year, I will be hopefully be writing about faithfully finishing out MY four years, post-graduation plans, and other things of the "new and exciting" variety. But for now, I have to wait it out, and trust how God is going to provide next year in the area of friendships and community. Next year is going to be substantially different than what I have known my first three years of college, and I think fear of the unknown is playing huge into my general attitude toward my Junior year ending.
Sometimes I think the time leading up to transition, the anticipation of change, and the subconscious fear that God is not going to provide just well in the "new" as in the familiar is almost more difficult than when it comes time to actually close the chapter.
Today marks the beginning of the last week of classes. (I am sincerely wondering if my blogging habit will be maintained once I am done with Psychosocial and Health Promotion?) I had a MedSurg test this morning, KAPLAN this afternoon, a make-up clinical tomorrow along with a pile of paperwork to complete before then, a research critique, final skills check for SIMlab, a research final and a gerontology final, all due this week.
Ready, Set, Go.
Staff training starts approximately three weeks from NOW. While I really am excited, a lot has to happen between now and then - a lot that I am not particularly excited about. I have a to-do list that could probably match Santa Claus's. I have to do a clean sweep of my room and pack... and unpack... and repack... and re-unpack... and shuffle boxes between Clemson and Lexington and Andrews. I have to survive four daunting FINALS. Then we hit what I'm undoubtedly dreading the most - graduations and goodbyes. And while I am incredibly excited for my friends who have faithfully completed their degree or other calling here and are weeks away from spreading out all over the world, I have a certain image and premonition of how empty Clemson will feel for my senior year.
Anyone who knows me well knows that transition and I are not exactly friends. I am adaptable, I am confident in that. But the process of adaptation, the times of transition and getting used to a new environment, I don't like it. Especially now, because it feels like it's such a misplaced transition time. I'm not graduating. I'm not leaving. This is not the end of my story here. It's not a natural phase-out like graduating, or even like leaving a summer at Snowbird. But the fact that it's time for so many of the people I love to close out this chapter of life is turning it into a period of transition for me at a time where it is not a natural ending. I think it would be different if I was graduating too, if I had new and exciting things to move on to instead of another year of nursing school without a huge chunk of the community I've been blessed with at Clemson.
However, I do know it's a lot easier to focus on the negative instead of being grateful that people like Emily Clardy and Elizabeth Hughes and even Anna will be around. And that this time next year, I will be hopefully be writing about faithfully finishing out MY four years, post-graduation plans, and other things of the "new and exciting" variety. But for now, I have to wait it out, and trust how God is going to provide next year in the area of friendships and community. Next year is going to be substantially different than what I have known my first three years of college, and I think fear of the unknown is playing huge into my general attitude toward my Junior year ending.
Sometimes I think the time leading up to transition, the anticipation of change, and the subconscious fear that God is not going to provide just well in the "new" as in the familiar is almost more difficult than when it comes time to actually close the chapter.
4.20.2011
A blog about Jesy Cordle
This blog post is about my dear friend, Jesy Cordle . Right now, I am sitting less than two feet away from her, and she will not talk to me, so it's a super awkward silence. And secretly, I'm wondering, with her persistent blog stalking, how long it will take for her to read this post and make a comment about it. Because then, she will actually have to verbally communicate with me! yay!
Jesy and Megan. I love you two. please communicate with each other, if not for your sake, than for mine.
Jesy and Megan. I love you two. please communicate with each other, if not for your sake, than for mine.
4.14.2011
when i am an idiot
I have to be incredibly careful in writing this, I am very conscious of that. My goal here is not anything other than to share what I am learning and hope that maybe, just maybe, it can be used to encourage and/or teach someone else. It is not to make myself look good (which I'm pretty sure is going to be impossible if you keep reading) or with the hopes that any specific person will read this. Here goes.
Every year for camp, we read a book and write chapter summaries on it. My first summer, I didn't get the book in the mail until three days before it was due, the week before finals - so I will more than readily admit I didn't get as much out of the book as I could and should have. Last summer, I was more responsible in reading it with good intentions, but the book that was chosen really served more as a motivator to increase our faith both in ourselves and in the students we would work with than anything else. This summer, we are going through the book of Romans together, which has been SO good. It's nice to have the accountability of having to turn a section in every week, despite being pretty hectic to get everything completed sometimes. Regardless, I am really enjoying it.
But if our unrighteousness serves to show the righteousness of God, what shall we say? That God is unrighteous to inflict wrath on us? (I speak in a human way) By no means! For then how could God judge the world? But if through my lie God’s truth abounds to his glory, why am I still being condemned as a sinner? And why not do evil that good may come?—as some people slanderously charge us with saying. Their condemnation is just. (Romans 3:5-8)
This is what I went over today, and this is what I NEEDED to chew on today. It's a little bit of a counterargument to earlier context, but Paul is basically answering the question of "Well, if my unrighteousness will demonstrate God's righteousness, then how can God judge me?... since my sin is still bringing Him glory, and still a part of His plan?"
This is kind of the same train of thought that I could see Judas using when he was defending himself, when being confronted about betraying Jesus. "Look, I know that I messed up, I know that I sinned, but You used it for good.. I mean, if I hadn't have done this, then Jesus wouldn't have died on the cross, I helped carry out the plan." But, this isn't a correct way to reason it. God did use Judas' betrayal for his ultimate good, but it was still wrong, regardless of how it incorporated into God's plan. He doesn't deserve any credit for the fact that God still used his wickedness for good.
I am looking at this in the way that it applies to my life right now, because this is where I'm at right now, it's where my mind is taking this, and a way that I can make this uncomfortably applicable to the here and now. Maybe I am twisting what Paul meant by this.
Recently, I got caught being deceptive and dishonest in a friendship.As much of a mess as it was and continues to be, and as bad as I feel about it, I am confident that my mistakes ultimately are in the process of being turned to good. I was dumb, and I hurt my friend with no excuses. But on the flip side, my snooping led to sin being revealed in the life of someone I care a whole lot about, and the beginnings of that being addressed and worked through instead of remaining hidden.
As much as I don't want to to be like this, and know it shouldn't be like this, my attitude the last few days has been faulting towards one of wrongly feeling like I was "helping" the work that God is doing in her life, and that somehow justified what I did. I know in theory how wrong that is, but that doesn't mean my thinking wasn't going in that direction regardless. I do believe that God used my screw-ups for sanctification in the life of someone else, and I think He does that on a regular basis, not just exclusively in this situation. But the fact that I can visibly see how God is using this for good doesn't excuse it, not one bit. The end does not justify the means in this situation. It doesn't make it okay. I first read my commentary on this, thinking Judas was an idiot for that argument. But then it hit me that I am hiding under the same defense. Yes, God used my deceit for good, and I am glad to serve a God who is in the business of turning rags into riches. But it is STILL sin, and I have no right to take any credit here for God working through me even when I make a mess of things and hurt people in the process.
I typically end my blog posts with one, thought-provoking final bang, but I'm out of ideas.
Every year for camp, we read a book and write chapter summaries on it. My first summer, I didn't get the book in the mail until three days before it was due, the week before finals - so I will more than readily admit I didn't get as much out of the book as I could and should have. Last summer, I was more responsible in reading it with good intentions, but the book that was chosen really served more as a motivator to increase our faith both in ourselves and in the students we would work with than anything else. This summer, we are going through the book of Romans together, which has been SO good. It's nice to have the accountability of having to turn a section in every week, despite being pretty hectic to get everything completed sometimes. Regardless, I am really enjoying it.
But if our unrighteousness serves to show the righteousness of God, what shall we say? That God is unrighteous to inflict wrath on us? (I speak in a human way) By no means! For then how could God judge the world? But if through my lie God’s truth abounds to his glory, why am I still being condemned as a sinner? And why not do evil that good may come?—as some people slanderously charge us with saying. Their condemnation is just. (Romans 3:5-8)
This is what I went over today, and this is what I NEEDED to chew on today. It's a little bit of a counterargument to earlier context, but Paul is basically answering the question of "Well, if my unrighteousness will demonstrate God's righteousness, then how can God judge me?... since my sin is still bringing Him glory, and still a part of His plan?"
This is kind of the same train of thought that I could see Judas using when he was defending himself, when being confronted about betraying Jesus. "Look, I know that I messed up, I know that I sinned, but You used it for good.. I mean, if I hadn't have done this, then Jesus wouldn't have died on the cross, I helped carry out the plan." But, this isn't a correct way to reason it. God did use Judas' betrayal for his ultimate good, but it was still wrong, regardless of how it incorporated into God's plan. He doesn't deserve any credit for the fact that God still used his wickedness for good.
I am looking at this in the way that it applies to my life right now, because this is where I'm at right now, it's where my mind is taking this, and a way that I can make this uncomfortably applicable to the here and now. Maybe I am twisting what Paul meant by this.
Recently, I got caught being deceptive and dishonest in a friendship.As much of a mess as it was and continues to be, and as bad as I feel about it, I am confident that my mistakes ultimately are in the process of being turned to good. I was dumb, and I hurt my friend with no excuses. But on the flip side, my snooping led to sin being revealed in the life of someone I care a whole lot about, and the beginnings of that being addressed and worked through instead of remaining hidden.
As much as I don't want to to be like this, and know it shouldn't be like this, my attitude the last few days has been faulting towards one of wrongly feeling like I was "helping" the work that God is doing in her life, and that somehow justified what I did. I know in theory how wrong that is, but that doesn't mean my thinking wasn't going in that direction regardless. I do believe that God used my screw-ups for sanctification in the life of someone else, and I think He does that on a regular basis, not just exclusively in this situation. But the fact that I can visibly see how God is using this for good doesn't excuse it, not one bit. The end does not justify the means in this situation. It doesn't make it okay. I first read my commentary on this, thinking Judas was an idiot for that argument. But then it hit me that I am hiding under the same defense. Yes, God used my deceit for good, and I am glad to serve a God who is in the business of turning rags into riches. But it is STILL sin, and I have no right to take any credit here for God working through me even when I make a mess of things and hurt people in the process.
I typically end my blog posts with one, thought-provoking final bang, but I'm out of ideas.
4.11.2011
selfless
At the beginning of March, I put a visitor counter on my blog. I've had over 700 hits in a little over a month. I never realized I was so popular :) But, in all sincerity, I do appreciate that people are actually reading what I have to say, unless you can attribute all of those page loads to a certain few stalkers :) good thing I don't know who you are.
If anyone cares to know what's been on my mind lately - along with the looming inevitability of end of school chaos - it's the question of what it truly looks like to be a selfless person, why I am all of a sudden deciding it's a concept I need to work on, and is it even practical to think that there is a possibility of growth for not just me, but for anyone in this area. Be warned, this is going to be all over the place.
I think it is not healthy to attempt to be a completely selfless person all the time. For example, my clinical group often fights over procedures and who is going to get to perform a certain skill when the opportunity arises. Would a selfless thing be to take myself out of the fight and allow my classmates to take every opportunity? Once or twice, sure. But to do that constantly, claiming nothing for myself, would be detrimental to my own training at the hospital. Follow? It's great to think of others before myself, but not to the extent of self compromise.
That's a situation that's pretty practical to understand. So, what about when it's not so cut and dry? My mind is really trying to comprehend how to apply this to a couple abstract situations, which is really my motive in writing that. The clinical example was really just a concrete transposition of the abstract. I am fighting to learn how to be understanding and compassionate in situations where I feel like my point of view is not being heard and where situation's impact on me is being disregarded. That's where I'm at right now, and it's hard. But I'm trying. And I am also trying to reconcile this with not becoming a doormat. There's a line, but where is it? Where does selfless stop and self-compromising start?
Obviously, selflessness is a desirable trait in theory, but are the actions that it takes to become this way always going to be perceived correctly? Nobody can truly know another's motives. Selflessness requires looking out for the interest of others before yourself, as long as it's not personally self-destructive - whether in action or attitude.
I think every person needs a healthy balance of selfish and selfless in their lives and there are times when these two may even overlap more than we realize.
If anyone cares to know what's been on my mind lately - along with the looming inevitability of end of school chaos - it's the question of what it truly looks like to be a selfless person, why I am all of a sudden deciding it's a concept I need to work on, and is it even practical to think that there is a possibility of growth for not just me, but for anyone in this area. Be warned, this is going to be all over the place.
I think it is not healthy to attempt to be a completely selfless person all the time. For example, my clinical group often fights over procedures and who is going to get to perform a certain skill when the opportunity arises. Would a selfless thing be to take myself out of the fight and allow my classmates to take every opportunity? Once or twice, sure. But to do that constantly, claiming nothing for myself, would be detrimental to my own training at the hospital. Follow? It's great to think of others before myself, but not to the extent of self compromise.
That's a situation that's pretty practical to understand. So, what about when it's not so cut and dry? My mind is really trying to comprehend how to apply this to a couple abstract situations, which is really my motive in writing that. The clinical example was really just a concrete transposition of the abstract. I am fighting to learn how to be understanding and compassionate in situations where I feel like my point of view is not being heard and where situation's impact on me is being disregarded. That's where I'm at right now, and it's hard. But I'm trying. And I am also trying to reconcile this with not becoming a doormat. There's a line, but where is it? Where does selfless stop and self-compromising start?
Obviously, selflessness is a desirable trait in theory, but are the actions that it takes to become this way always going to be perceived correctly? Nobody can truly know another's motives. Selflessness requires looking out for the interest of others before yourself, as long as it's not personally self-destructive - whether in action or attitude.
I think every person needs a healthy balance of selfish and selfless in their lives and there are times when these two may even overlap more than we realize.
4.01.2011
the finish line
There is just something about second semester of Junior year for me. I don't really know if patterns can be defined by just two examples, but if I remember correctly, the spring of my junior year of high school was quite a mess, in similar ways to how this semester has been. A good mess at times, a mess full of growing experiences, but a mess nonetheless. But among the mess comes a certain amount of confidence in the God who continues to take care of me, and I get to the point of not really minding that constant reminder that I can't do this alone. Life is good right now for me, really it is, but I think more and more I am realizing the brokenness of the people I am surrounded by, and that's what's getting to me. I wish that I had the capability to make things right, even though I know it's illogical to think I have any control over the circumstances in my friends' lives.
BCM was good last night. It's ironic that I picked last night to go, considering all the weeks I've skipped this semester and how much I had to get done last night. But I think what Doug talked about last night was very timely, as we are approaching the end of the semester, and was absolutely a reminder that I needed.
[Paul] said to them, "You yourselves know, from the first day that I set foot in Asia, how I was with you the whole time, serving the Lord with all humility and with tears and with trials which came upon me through the plots of the Jews; how I did not shrink from declaring to you anything that was profitable, and teaching you publicly and from house to house, solemnly testifying to both Jews and Greeks of repentance toward God and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. "And now, behold, bound by the Spirit, I am on my way to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there, except that the Holy Spirit solemnly testifies to me in every city, saying that bonds and afflictions await me. But I do not consider my life of any account as dear to myself, so that I may finish my course and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God. - Acts 20:18-24
A lot of us start well, excited about the future and the prospect of a new beginning. But how many of us can truly say that we end seasons of life with the same fire we started? Crunch time is beginning. Finals week is becoming more than just a distant headache, organizations are planning their final activities (all on the same weekend, I'm realizing) and friends are trying to cram in their last bits of quality time before spending days together becomes difficult or impossible. But what is going to pay the price during this increased period of business? What are we going to let slide while we fight to juggle an increasing amount of obligations? Pain is temporary, but quitting is eternal. Finishing strong, saying goodbye in good conscience, and remaining completely surrendered to God's call is not going to be an easy process, for me, or for anyone. But giving up, letting my attitude be adversely affected by the approaching end as school continues to pile up and the thought of losing friends to "growing up" is more and more on the forefront of my mind, or by slacking off and coasting both in work and relationships... the ramifications of that are final. How we choose to handle the next month is permanent.
Time is short, and I am becoming increasingly aware of that. Whether that phrase is read in context of school ending, or the general cliché meaning, it's true regardless. Let your conversations matter. Say what needs to be said, and don't waste time. Don't shrink back from saying what profitable, both for you and for others. Don't waste time on small talk, on meaningless conversation when you have the opportunity to pour into the lives of others and share the hope we have in Christ. Encourage others to fight for the same. Take advantage of this time, and REDEEM it.
(Draw an imaginary arrow from this paragraph back to the opening sentences)
Be satisfied with the way you end. And believe that the end is good.
BCM was good last night. It's ironic that I picked last night to go, considering all the weeks I've skipped this semester and how much I had to get done last night. But I think what Doug talked about last night was very timely, as we are approaching the end of the semester, and was absolutely a reminder that I needed.
[Paul] said to them, "You yourselves know, from the first day that I set foot in Asia, how I was with you the whole time, serving the Lord with all humility and with tears and with trials which came upon me through the plots of the Jews; how I did not shrink from declaring to you anything that was profitable, and teaching you publicly and from house to house, solemnly testifying to both Jews and Greeks of repentance toward God and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. "And now, behold, bound by the Spirit, I am on my way to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there, except that the Holy Spirit solemnly testifies to me in every city, saying that bonds and afflictions await me. But I do not consider my life of any account as dear to myself, so that I may finish my course and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God. - Acts 20:18-24
A lot of us start well, excited about the future and the prospect of a new beginning. But how many of us can truly say that we end seasons of life with the same fire we started? Crunch time is beginning. Finals week is becoming more than just a distant headache, organizations are planning their final activities (all on the same weekend, I'm realizing) and friends are trying to cram in their last bits of quality time before spending days together becomes difficult or impossible. But what is going to pay the price during this increased period of business? What are we going to let slide while we fight to juggle an increasing amount of obligations? Pain is temporary, but quitting is eternal. Finishing strong, saying goodbye in good conscience, and remaining completely surrendered to God's call is not going to be an easy process, for me, or for anyone. But giving up, letting my attitude be adversely affected by the approaching end as school continues to pile up and the thought of losing friends to "growing up" is more and more on the forefront of my mind, or by slacking off and coasting both in work and relationships... the ramifications of that are final. How we choose to handle the next month is permanent.
Time is short, and I am becoming increasingly aware of that. Whether that phrase is read in context of school ending, or the general cliché meaning, it's true regardless. Let your conversations matter. Say what needs to be said, and don't waste time. Don't shrink back from saying what profitable, both for you and for others. Don't waste time on small talk, on meaningless conversation when you have the opportunity to pour into the lives of others and share the hope we have in Christ. Encourage others to fight for the same. Take advantage of this time, and REDEEM it.
(Draw an imaginary arrow from this paragraph back to the opening sentences)
Be satisfied with the way you end. And believe that the end is good.
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