my mother blog stalks me.

MoeJoe's has become one of my favorite places in Clemson this semester. Whether it's meeting friends for coffee, struggling over clinical paperwork, fighting for motivation to study, wishing I could pour more time into my Romans assignments for camp instead of "touchy-feely nursing" or chugging enough caffeine to make it until bedtime, I spend way too much time here. Too much money, too, but that's another story. Spring break was needed, but ultimately Clemson is home for me right now and it's nice to be back in the swing of things. I can't believe I am thinking like that, but it's definitely a welcomed train of thought. Spring break was stressful, and I think my mind is working in overdrive right now.

Last night, the topic of CP group was "Five Things I Wish I Knew Before Graduating", a very timely topic since half of our group is graduating in a little over a month. A phrase from that conversation has really been ringing in my head today (thanks Amy Chasteen!).
Who you are defines what you do.
So simple, but so loaded with truth, because I think looking at it the opposite way is such a temptation, or even a way of life for most people. It's hard not to let your identity get lost in your actions or your involvements.
I am not defined by the fact that I am a nursing student, a Clemson student, a Ben Lippen grad, a SWO staff member. I'm not defined by being Tommy and Peggy's daughter, Anna's sister, Emily's friend. I am not defined by the fact that I study too much, I trip over my own two feet constantly, I don't like to be left in the dark about things, and I can never find the right words to say. I am not defined by the ways I have messed up, by the ways I have intentionally and unintentionally hurt people, by the things I have done, or by all the ways I will mess up between now and when I go to bed tonight.
I say I know this, but knowing and acting on that knowledge are two different things.

I am going real live camping this weekend. This should be interesting. I am also slightly bummed that TOMS "One Day Without Shoes" is on a Tuesday... I don't think that would go over too well at clinical.

patients and patience

I went to bed mad last night, something that is pretty abnormal for me. I woke up mad, at something other than the fact that it was at 5 in the morning, although that might have been fuel to the fire. Justifiable anger? probably. Righteous anger? probably not. Mad is gone, frustration is hesitantly leaving, and prayers for an understanding and compassionate attitude are at the very top of my list. I'm working on it.

A bad morning does not typically set the stage well for a good clinical, but this week was a surprising and welcome exception. Each week, I keep finding myself a new "favorite patient ever" and today was no exception. It's kind of incredible the amount of encouragement I sometimes get from the people I work with. How I am there with the intention of giving, but it usually ends with me receiving just as much, if not more.

Today was our first day on the oncology floor - where will tentatively be for the rest of the semester. I can't say it would be my specialty of choice, but much more enjoyable than I expected. I spent the day in the outpatient center, watching and minimally helping with chemo infusions, etc. The patient I spent the most time with was there for a bone marrow biopsy and after the (very painful looking) procedure, another student and I spent awhile sitting in his room and listening to his story, about the cancer and the platform it had given him. He talked about the importance of hope in Christ, and how integral it had been to his recovery. How we need to pray for the impossible, and have HOPE that we serve a God powerful enough to meet our needs, even when we don't quite know what they are. That's what I needed to hear today. Sometimes things seem impossible. Sometimes friends seem impossible. But my God is possible.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

I really want Jello right now. Unfortunately, the Jello I just made will take 4-6 hours to congeal... at which time, I probably will want sleep more than I want Jello.

Pi(e) Day

An attempt to write more is kind of worthless without material to write about. I will say in advance that this is probably going to be a rambling post to add to my methods of distraction during class. Anything significant I could write about I wouldn't write about on the internet. So ends the potential for this to turn into food for thought.

I could talk about how irritated I am that all of my friends have either had spring break already, or are currently at the beach, in other countries, sleeping past 7am and not having to struggle over research critiques, truth models and medication profiles... at least for the time being. But next week, while everyone else is dragging themselves out of bed for Monday 8am's, Clemson students will be the ones sleeping in and most certainly gloating about it.

Today during class, I have finished my patho sheet, eaten a pack of bugels, drank about half of Kathleen's nalgene as a direct result of the bugels, caught up on reading Stuff Christians Like, filled out all 3 of my March Madness Brackets - one by flipping a virtual coin - and couldn't tell you a single thing we have talked about in the hour I have been in class. C'est la vie.

pretty little liars

I am trying to do a good job of writing what I am thinking, mostly because of the immense value of being able to read back over it later and often, the encouragement it brings to know that I do NOT think like I did even as recently as a year ago. The other day, I rediscovered my Xanga page from my freshman year of high school. While it is much too embarrassing to publish the link, it's always encouraging to see how God has corrected my thinking and ranting, and reformed my immaturity. To an extent, at least :)

This may not make much sense, but here's an attempt. Lately, more so than ever, I have learned to really appreciate the value of truth, and how integral is really is daily interactions. When asked a question, a response can go one of two ways - truth or lie. But the question is, how often do those lines get blurred? Whether it comes in blatant lies, deceitful half-truths, or simply by silence, truth does not have near the value it should. We lie about stupid things, and about things where the truth would not even be consequential, and I am trying to wrap my mind around how that has become so accepted and common.

I don't want to be a skeptical person, but as a side note, I think I am becoming that way even in relationships not deserving of suspicion.

My most recent endeavor has been to be a more honest person (Although it may not be wise to ask Pam or Sara what might have come from that ambition yesterday). I have a reputation of being blunt, but I think that is most definitely situational. I wouldn't consider myself a pathological liar by any definition, but I so often fail when it comes to honesty. My problem is not with lying, but in avoiding topics, sugar coating things, beating around the bush, telling people what they want to hear, ignoring issues in an attempt to please others, and essentially lying by omission. Ultimately, the only person that is ever going to hurt is myself, and so goes the trial run in fixing that.

I have too often had to choose between opening my mouth and screwing myself over, or keeping my mouth shut and watching silently while other people self destruct. I would like to get to the point where I care more about people than I do about people liking me.