when i am an idiot

I have to be incredibly careful in writing this, I am very conscious of that. My goal here is not anything other than to share what I am learning and hope that maybe, just maybe, it can be used to encourage and/or teach someone else. It is not to make myself look good (which I'm pretty sure is going to be impossible if you keep reading) or with the hopes that any specific person will read this. Here goes.

Every year for camp, we read a book and write chapter summaries on it. My first summer, I didn't get the book in the mail until three days before it was due, the week before finals - so I will more than readily admit I didn't get as much out of the book as I could and should have. Last summer, I was more responsible in reading it with good intentions, but the book that was chosen really served more as a motivator to increase our faith both in ourselves and in the students we would work with than anything else. This summer, we are going through the book of Romans together, which has been SO good. It's nice to have the accountability of having to turn a section in every week, despite being pretty hectic to get everything completed sometimes. Regardless, I am really enjoying it.

But if our unrighteousness serves to show the righteousness of God, what shall we say? That God is unrighteous to inflict wrath on us? (I speak in a human way) By no means! For then how could God judge the world? But if through my lie God’s truth abounds to his glory, why am I still being condemned as a sinner? And why not do evil that good may come?—as some people slanderously charge us with saying. Their condemnation is just. (Romans 3:5-8)

This is what I went over today, and this is what I NEEDED to chew on today. It's a little bit of a counterargument to earlier context, but Paul is basically answering the question of "Well, if my unrighteousness will demonstrate God's righteousness, then how can God judge me?... since my sin is still bringing Him glory, and still a part of His plan?"

This is kind of the same train of thought that I could see Judas using when he was defending himself, when being confronted about betraying Jesus. "Look, I know that I messed up, I know that I sinned, but You used it for good.. I mean, if I hadn't have done this, then Jesus wouldn't have died on the cross, I helped carry out the plan." But, this isn't a correct way to reason it. God did use Judas' betrayal for his ultimate good, but it was still wrong, regardless of how it incorporated into God's plan. He doesn't deserve any credit for the fact that God still used his wickedness for good.

I am looking at this in the way that it applies to my life right now, because this is where I'm at right now, it's where my mind is taking this, and a way that I can make this uncomfortably applicable to the here and now. Maybe I am twisting what Paul meant by this.

Recently, I got caught being deceptive and dishonest in a friendship.As much of a mess as it was and continues to be, and as bad as I feel about it, I am confident that my mistakes ultimately are in the process of being turned to good. I was dumb, and I hurt my friend with no excuses. But on the flip side, my snooping led to sin being revealed in the life of someone I care a whole lot about, and the beginnings of that being addressed and worked through instead of remaining hidden.

As much as I don't want to to be like this, and know it shouldn't be like this, my attitude the last few days has been faulting towards one of wrongly feeling like I was "helping" the work that God is doing in her life, and that somehow justified what I did. I know in theory how wrong that is, but that doesn't mean my thinking wasn't going in that direction regardless. I do believe that God used my screw-ups for sanctification in the life of someone else, and I think He does that on a regular basis, not just exclusively in this situation. But the fact that I can visibly see how God is using this for good doesn't excuse it, not one bit. The end does not justify the means in this situation. It doesn't make it okay. I first read my commentary on this, thinking Judas was an idiot for that argument. But then it hit me that I am hiding under the same defense. Yes, God used my deceit for good, and I am glad to serve a God who is in the business of turning rags into riches. But it is STILL sin, and I have no right to take any credit here for God working through me even when I make a mess of things and hurt people in the process.

I typically end my blog posts with one, thought-provoking final bang, but I'm out of ideas.